How to approach sexual frustration in a relationship?
Posted Wed May 27, 2009 10:54 PM
I'm getting married to my girlfriend of 4 years in the fall. When we first started dating, before we moved in together, the sex was AMAZING. We both wanted it frequently and we we're both a little adventurous with it. Often it would be her who would initiate things and she would let me do whatever I wanted to her. It was really great. I felt an undying desire for her and I thought that she felt the same way for me. We moved in together after dating for about 7 months. Because of some financial hardships, we had to move in with her parents. I was worried that would put a strain on our sex life but much to my surprise things were still going well. A few months afterword, our sex life started to digress. Since then I have felt that our sexual encounters have been happening less and less often and when they do happen, I am restricted to missionary, on the bed, finishing in the condom. I feel like all I ever hear is "I have a headache, I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm not in the mood...etc." Lately, it has been extremely difficult as my sex drive has been increasing and its almost as if hers has completely shut down. I dream about her almost every night, I only fantasize about her, and only ever desire her. Honestly, I really don't feel desired at all by her. She never initiates. Why I initiate it has to be perfect or its a no go. I have to say the right words and do the right things and then once its time its gotta be a wham-bam-thank-you-mam. (ok I'm sure everyone has stopped reading by now but I need to get this out) I've been finding things out about her past lately. I have to say that she has done things with other guys that she would never, ever do with me - and that kinda really, really hurts. It hurts even more that I had to find this out by snooping instead of hearing it from her. I don't mean to be a pig, but I like dirty sex. I can't survive with this beaver cleaver crap that I am now subject to.
I don't know what to do. I really love her and I want to marry her, but I can't live with our sex life. For months I have been thinking about cheating, but I just don't know where to begin and I really don't know how I would feel about it afterword. She has been the only girl I have ever been with (I was a late bloomer) and she has always said that she would forgive me if I needed to go out and have sex with some random girl just to see what it was like. I just don't think I could forgive myself. I don't really know how to take that either. Does she say that because she truly has no desire for me? I've changed my appearance to look more like the "hot guys" she points out, I've worked out to tone up, and I've even gone to get my eye brows waxed.
I don't know what to do and I don't know how to sit her down and say that there is not way I can spend the rest of my life with her if this is how our sex life is going to be. I'm afraid that she wont understand, she'll take it personally, and she'll be angry. FOR GOD'S SAKE SOMEONE HELP ME
Posted Wed May 27, 2009 11:27 PM
Posted Wed May 27, 2009 11:33 PM
Posted Wed May 27, 2009 11:48 PM
Posted Wed May 27, 2009 11:57 PM
Posted Thu May 28, 2009 12:21 AM
so. talk to her. something may be going on that you don't know about.
Posted Thu May 28, 2009 12:28 AM
I... swear i've seen this before. This exact post/topic.
Anyways, talk to her. Your about to get married, you should have figured out communication by now. Good luck
Posted Thu May 28, 2009 07:27 AM
wish you luck
Posted Thu May 28, 2009 07:34 AM
Posted Thu May 28, 2009 07:44 AM
It is normal to screw a hell of alot more at the start of the relationship.
It is normal for sex drives to flucctuate.
It is also normal to kind of take for granted the sex always being avaliable so it kind of loses its initial sparkle. There could be alot of reasons she is different. Is she on the pill? It can alter libido, as can stress.
Men tend to equate sex and intimacy as reassurance they are loved.
RG felt the same when I had no libido.
All you can do is talk to her hun.
It sounds like you are making alot of effort in the relationship here and calmly tell her or write her a letter about how you feel.. and ask her how she is feeling too...
Posted Thu May 28, 2009 11:22 PM
Posted Fri May 29, 2009 07:49 PM
well we did have a great talk, but so far I can't tell if I actually covered any ground. its only been a day so its too early to call it but so far nothing really has changed. hmmm...... Lately she has been teasing me, but not making good on her threats.
Posted Fri May 29, 2009 08:59 PM
Posted Sat May 30, 2009 11:57 AM
Posted Sat May 30, 2009 04:35 PM
Posted Sun May 31, 2009 02:48 AM
Find out what she's really in her mind, talk to her. Then, once you've opened up the lines of communication talk to her about the sexual aspect. Let her know that you love her, but, you need her in that way. I think you'll be surprised at her response. Don't cheat, the heartbreak that comes with it is to much to bare. Trust me on this, best of luck. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
Posted Sun May 31, 2009 11:20 AM
My SO aren't married yet, but we've been together for more than two years. At first, we were in a long distance relationship and would see each other only on weekends when we could travel. We'd have sex several times a day from Friday night to Sunday afternoon, and we were experimental, and it was very exciting.
After we moved in together and had been together for over a year, we went through a period when it seemed like our sex drives didn't match. I had been a virgin before I had sex with him, and my sex drive was through the roof once I had sex for the first time. On the other hand, his sex drive dropped out of existence for a few months. We'd have sex maybe once a month, and I was masturbating at least once a day to satisfy myself because he wasn't into having sex. I was very frustrated and started to feel completely unattractive to him.
I brought up the conversation when I couldn't take it any longer. Make sure you bring up the topic at a time when your feelings can remain neutral. Don't seem angry or confrontational. Don't talk about your sexual frustration in bed - before, during, or after sex or when you're going to sleep.
We had a few great conversations about the issue, and we've both tried harder to keep our sex life exciting. He pays more attention to me and makes me feel special and desired. I don't put pressure on him to be the one who always initiates sex. Taking the pressure off of him seems to make him feel like having sex more often because he can enjoy being pursued by me instead of doing all of the work.