I'm a nice guy
Posted Mon Jun 08, 2009 02:31 AM
I'm close to quite a few girls, and I've pictured myself being romantically involved with some of them. I listen to all there problems, help them, tell them its gonna be ok and yeah, just generally try to make them feel better. Yet they always wind up with some complete a-hole who doesnt treat them right.
I'm not the most attractive of guys, I realise this. The a-holes they end up with are attractive I suppose. Yet they always end up fucking up the girls I have feelings for. I dont know what I can do to get them to feel the same way I feel about them..
Bottom line is im just frustrated that the girls always end up with people who are rude, arrogant and just an all round fuckwit, who ends up breaking their hearts in the end. What can I do to make them realise that I'm the right guy for them?
Posted Mon Jun 08, 2009 02:42 AM
You have allowed yourself to be a guy friend rather then a boyfriend.
All you can do is let them know how you feel...
Posted Mon Jun 08, 2009 02:58 AM
Posted Mon Jun 08, 2009 03:05 AM
Well... If being a "Guy Friend" is not working for you perhaps you should re-think...
Try being a 'Indiana Jones' for a while and let the 'Dr Kildare' rest....
Posted Mon Jun 08, 2009 03:11 AM
Posted Mon Jun 08, 2009 05:25 AM
Posted Mon Jun 08, 2009 12:30 PM
Really what your talking about is a maturity issue. Many younger girls tend to fall for the "excitement effect" before they will fall for the guy that will treat them the best because often, security = boredom in some peoples minds.
One way you could go about "the question" would be to not phrase it like a question directed at them.... this could be done like you saying something similar to;
"You know female X, I have been kind of down lately because I feel like I really have alot of potential to be a giving person and care for someone in a close and romatic way. But I feel like some of girls that I think I could be compatible with are attracted to the more flashy guys who end up treating them bad. Do you have any advice on any of our friends who might be interested in being treated well by a guy like me?"
I believe that if you ask "the girls" that your potentially interested in this question;
1.) They will not see it as you making a pass, which should help your chances of it not hurting your friendship if the are not interested.
2.) If they say the name of another girl, you can take it as they themselves are not interested without you feeling the uncomfortable pain of asking straight out and getting "shot down"
3.) If they say something like "a ton of girls would be lucky to have you" or "you would make any girl happy" you can use that person as a good place to start.
But on a side note, as a fellow "nice guy", I learned when I was younger that the secret reason that girls sometimes go for the dickheads is not that they like to be treated badly, but that they like to date guys with confidence. Confidence is something that all females can sense, and something that any guy can learn. The key is not to compete with other guys, but to understand YOUR strengths. You dont have to be a jock, or a rich kid, or a genius- you just have to be aware of your strengths and weaknesses- be comfortable with them, and personally focus on your postive traits, instead of worrying about your negative ones- this is the key to dating as a "nice guy". Good luck!!!!
Posted Tue Jun 09, 2009 08:33 PM
As a fellow Nice guy I know what you're going through, you're probably a lot more mature than most of the other guys out there, you might not be as hott but that shouldn't matter, you're considerate, you take the time out to talk to a girl for hours on end, and you will do just about anything for most anyone. You're the guy that will tutor your friend in a class that you took last year, you're the guy that will loan you his last 20 bucks even though you have less than a quarter of a tank of gas, you're the guy that every girl won't even think about dating.
When a girl thinks of a hott guy she says, "O my god, he's soooo cute, I wish he would notice me" but when she thinks of a nice guy she says, "O, I know him, he's a really good friend of mine and is a total sweetheart." See the difference?
What you have here is a terrible, terrible situation, and to say the least, it's hard as HELL to get out of it. You might talk to a girl for 5 hours a day, everyday, for 5 months, and really like her. And then one monday she will say, "So I met this guy over the weekend right?" and that's when things go downhill, because to say the sad truth, no matter how much you like the girl, she's going to meet some random guy who doesn't know her as well as you do and probably won't treat as well as you would, and she is going to date him.
Look, I don't want to sound like a pessimist but it is somewhat true, most of the time, Nice guys finish last. It is a sad truth and it is hard to imagine, a lot of girls would say, "No, nice guys always finish first." And most of the time it's the girl that you like who says that.
Look, I'm not saying you're going to be lonely forever, but there is one thing that is going to happen. If you're going to be such a nice guy... well, no girl is going to see that you like her, because you treat everyone the same, she's not going to know that she's special to you. Every Nice Guy will end up in a GREAT relationship, trust me on this, but it is going to take some time, and yeah, you might lose a few girls but in the end what's going to happen is you're gonna need a little luck and find the right girl.
So don't worry about it man, if they want a bad boy, let em, a nice guy like you deserves better, always tell yourself that, you deserve better.
Well... That was a long rant, and sorry if I took up too much space, I just have a lot to say on the subject and if you want anymore input, just PM me, I swear, I'm not as much of a pessimist as I may seem
Posted Wed Jun 10, 2009 11:23 AM
As far as your girl-friends that you are interested in now. I dont see an easy way that you could go from a friend to more than a friend. Its difficult to do. Its always possible that they may one day realize that the perfect person has been in front of them the whole time, but its not everyday that this happens either. So its best to move on, and dont wait for that to happen, but also dont expect it not to happen. You never know.
From now on, if you meet a girl that you are attracted to, and you start talking to her and she shows some interest. Dont hesitate to ask for her number, or on a date. Or anything that would show that you are possibly more interested than being a guy friend. If you get to talk to her or see her again, dont ask about how her day was, or anything a guy-friend would do. You can be a nice guy and ask her about herself, her likes/dislikes, things like that. show her you are interested and also interesting. You wont know if she is your ideal match at first, but thats the risk. She could turn out to be a stuck-up bitch, the complete opposite of what you are. But like they say, you have to kiss a few toads before you find your prince (or princess). Its not 100% of course, but ive found that you can have confidence and appeal even without being an asshole. It just takes more dedication and the ability to carry on a really good conversation. Being an a-hole is just so easy that people dont think they need to spend the time...unfortunately.
Posted Wed Jun 10, 2009 06:42 PM
From experience making friends into more then friends is a difficult and annoying task, which you should ask yourself if it is seriously worth undertaking. Try to meet some new girls (you can use your friends to do that) put yourself out there as a real man and find yourself some chicks of your own. Then in the future if you see any glint of hope with some of your other friends take the chance.
And yes, you may contact me privately for any other questions you may have.
Posted Thu Jun 11, 2009 11:24 AM
Being an asshole does work, im not gonna deny it. Not for all girls, but it does work. But for some of us being one is the problem. Its much easier for an ass to act nice, than for a nice guy to act like an ass. So i wouldnt suggest you try if ur already a nice guy..you're gonna look like a jackass.
You are in the "friend zone" with the girls you know already. I have many women that i am the same way with. A few of them i did date before. But that doesnt stop me from being a good friend to them now. You cant date every woman, so stop worrying about it.
Just show them respect, that you're a man and not a dr.phil hotline, and that you're interested and you'll find one.
Posted Fri Jun 12, 2009 09:36 AM
Posted Fri Jun 12, 2009 01:29 PM
I agree. But I think this conversation is about Nice Guy TM.
This is more about men who are sort of unsure about how to make a move and express interest so they try to befriend the woman in hopes that she'll see what a great guy he is. While this can work for some, it's really not very efficient. It's safe though.
I've been on both ends. I've asked guys out, I've been Nice GirlTM, I've had loads of guy friends of whom 1 or 2 perhaps along the way wanted to make a move but never did. And now I call it when I see it when my friends tell me what they're up too. I'll be like, "stop treating her like your girlfriend if she's not your girlfriend*!!!!"
*paying for shit, long hours on the phone, comforting each other on tough holidays like Valentine's Day, sleeping in the same bed without touching...
Posted Fri Jun 12, 2009 03:09 PM
Posted Fri Jun 12, 2009 08:38 PM
Instead use your friends as a support group. If they're your friends they will help you. Clue in to what guys are doing and how your friends react. They don't see you as a threat so you'll get access to all kinds of good information.
If you confront them, and say you have a crush on some of the girls, this could very well screw up your relationships. Also, if you're willing to confront several girls about your attraction for them, this tells me that you're desperate for a girlfriend. They will pick up on that, and it will get you nowhere.
There's so many variables in attraction. With all the information available on the web and talking to your friends, you can make it happen. Just have to get some balls and go have fun.
Posted Mon Jun 15, 2009 12:06 AM
Trust me, I know it is hard, but when you like a girl DO NOT be super nice to them. Once a girl feels superior to you, its over. You cant let her feel like that she is out of your league. YOu don't need to be a total asshole, but you can't be super nice and put yourself in the nice guy friend zone.
Try my advice once... what could it hurt? Even though people will tell you to just be yourself and that I am dumb and giving bad advice. But I used to be you, and I know the truth!! Ask one of the assholes you speak of about how it works; they know. Worst case scenario: it doesn't work, then go back to being the nice guy friend that they vent their problems to and will never be romantically attracted to.
It's kind of the same with us guys... when a girl makes herself overly available and she seems like an easy catch, are we interested?? no. We want a girl we feel is slightly out of our reach or at least a challenge.
Posted Wed Jun 17, 2009 08:05 AM