Wifes alcohol addiction
Posted Wed Sep 16, 2009 12:58 PM
We have been married for 24 yrs. and have 4 children,2 grown and 2 at home. We dated in high school and got married a year after graduating. We have gotten along pretty well throughout our marriage (a few rough spots like most everyone) but on the average it's been a good marriage.
We both have always partaked in the consumption of alcohol not to get wasted but more of a social thing. Anyways, I really never paid much attention to how much alcohol my wife consumed on a daily basis. I never had a reason to until recently (last couple of years).
As I look back, I began noticing changes in her attitude with me and the kids. She lets the little things in life bother her emmensly. She's had numerous surgeries (8) for varies medical reasons and has fluctuated up and down in the weight area. This, along with her dyslexia, has helped magnify her low self esteem. After she had gastric bypass surgery 8 years ago I thought that her self esteem would be improved. Initally it was but that was short lived.
Jump to today. She literally tries to start arguments with me and or the kids on a daily basis. She says that the kids talk back to her and don't give her any respect and I don't back her up with discipling the kids. While this statement may have some validity, we see it as more of her drinking to escape life issues that arise with the kids and myself and she blames us. Anyhow, She is consuming about 32 oz of Vodka a day. If she isn't drinking Vodka then she drinks beer, about 12-15 cans (12 oz) a day. She's a stay at home mom (the reason is obvious to me now).
Her and I have sat down numerous times and discussed her addition to alcohol. She admits she has a problem but refuses to get or seek any help. Not only is this hurting our marriage and our family life but it is killing our sex life. She's usually intoxicated by 9:00 pm and has to go to bed so there's little time for having a sexual relationship. She will text me all day long saying how she loves me and is horny as hell and can't wait till we can have sex but shortly after I get home from work ,it's argument time (due to being intoxicated) and then it's bed time for her. I have refused to argue with her.
I know that an addict will only change when THEY are ready to make a change. I've also suggested a marriage counsler and family counseling which she refuses mainly because we are strapped financially because I'm the sole bread winner. I guess I just needed to vent. Any suggestions?
Posted Wed Sep 16, 2009 01:24 PM
good luck my man...
Posted Wed Sep 16, 2009 01:36 PM
try to make her understand why this is important:she will eventually lose everything.
Even if she goes to an AA group it won't do much if she doesn't want it inside her head.
Maybe take up all the shopping yourself and never give her money?
Posted Wed Sep 16, 2009 02:07 PM
Juliads...I thought about taking control of all the finances and the shopping but I feel that If I did that then it would just push her lack of self esteem further down in the toilet so to speak and she would say I'm a control freak and I don't want that. I need her to feel good about herself and that she is contributing to the family (which she does well-cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids chauffer and helping the youngest one with home work ect.) I have been supportive and told her many tuimes how thankful I am that she is my wife and how she's important to the family and to me. She is a very loving and beautiful person and when she's not drinking, she's a blast to be with but sorry to say I haven't seen that side of her for quite some time.
Posted Wed Sep 16, 2009 02:16 PM
Maybe if you seeked professional help to help you talk her through this?
I realise this puts teh strain on you and it is unfair, but she can't help herself and somebody has to do it for her.
Maybe if you had constant advice from someone on how to handle her it could help.
Posted Wed Sep 16, 2009 02:27 PM
Posted Wed Sep 16, 2009 03:36 PM
Posted Wed Sep 16, 2009 06:22 PM
Posted Wed Sep 16, 2009 07:38 PM
Posted Thu Sep 17, 2009 12:40 AM
Sugar daddy said:
Posted Thu Sep 17, 2009 07:14 AM
Update:....last night I returned home from work,ate supper and then had to go to our childrens school where I volunteer to help with a sports program. I could tell that she had been drinking when I got home from work BUT she was in a good mood and not intoxicated. Three hours later when I returned home (about 9:00pm) she was watching tv. I could tell she was feeling "loopy". We chatted some and I scratched and rubbed her back. About 10:30 she said "lets go to bed and make love" . Long story short, it was a very good night!
Posted Thu Sep 17, 2009 07:55 AM
Posted Thu Sep 17, 2009 09:38 AM
Backcheck....I wouldn't even consider doing the divorce paper threat thing. To me that doesn't solve her problem. I see where your coming from though and thanks for your suggestion. And your right, I don't want her to do something like what you mentioned-driving and risking peoples lives.
Posted Thu Sep 17, 2009 10:19 AM
Posted Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:49 AM
This past week and weekend went well. We went away with some friends(without the kids) and we had a blast together.
Monday night after I got home from work (12 hr day) she greets me at the door with a kiss and has my supper waiting for me! I tell her how nice the house looks(she cleaned today) and thanked her repeatedly for having my supper ready. We sat down and began watching MNF and I could tell she had been drinking. Our youngest child and my wife began arguing over school homework and other items. She was attempting to rationalize with an 8 yr old. I stayed out of the argument but heard everything that was going on. She sent our child to bed and the child returned back to get a drink of water. Wife again asked our child what she was doing and they began to argue once again. I could hear them both but was not visually watching them. Apparantly our child stormed off and my wife said "did you see what she did". I said no what did she do. She said "never mind" and I asked her again and she refused to answer. Anyways an argument ensued and after about 2 hours she went to bed with her final words being "it's over" (meaning our marriage). She storms off crying and I let her go to calm down.
During our argument I suggested that we both go to marraige counseling but she refused. She said she has no self esteem and that NO ONE ever compliments her on anything. I told her that I complimented her just tonight for several things that she had done. She changed the subject, this time envoking her dyslexia. After awhile, She said she wasn't drunk and that I was just not listening to her. I went and checked the Vodka bottle (bought the night before) and it was half gone.(this was a large bottle of vodka) I asked her about it and she admitted to drinking that much but she advised she wasn't drunk...ya right! She sure shows sign of being bipolar to me.
Anyways, we really haven't spoken today so I don't know what she's thinking. I don't want to end our marriage. I hope she doesn't either but we will just have to wait and see.