Posted Fri Oct 02, 2009 05:36 AM
Basically when i first met her she was living 3 hours away from me (was currently at university close to me when i met her), yet after 2 months we started to talk very often and got on really well.
As the months went on we started to talk to each other every single day and i was loving it. One day she had to come back up to Uni to sort out her accomodation for this current year and when she came up she came round to my house and ended up stopping the night and we had sex.
Due to her being 3 hours away we didnt see other that often, probably over 4 months, i saw her maybe 3 times....but those 3 times were amazing! we continued to have sex and i just loved being with her.
But one thing i always thought and still do, is the fact that even tho we didnt see each other much and she was 3 hours away..that we were still talking every day and neither of us had walked away.
Now recently things have got a bit more serious and its now like 7/8 months since i first spoke to her and we're still going well, still speak everyday and even talk on the phone for 1hour or 2 some days...obviously had the odd arguement here and there but we got through it!
But anyway the problem is this.....back where she lives there is some other guy, not sure if its her ex or not..i never really want to talk about him. but basically its him stopping her getting with me cos he is still around and she tells me that if she was to be with me she would want it to just be about me and her....but if she got with me now she would be thinking of somebody else aswell and thats not right.
She is also back at University now by the way which is 1 hour away from me and now she is 3 hours away from this other guy...so potentially see me so much more.
obvioulsy this works the other way round aswell and she cannot get with him because she will be thinking of me....so because of this she gets really confused often and holds back on quite a few things n doesnt say how she feels cos she feels bad thats shes kinda seein 2 people.
The other day this led her to say that she had made a decision and that she was going to stop seeing us both and basically she was walking away!....i was heartbroken! i felt so bad..never felt so horrible and gutted in my life...its not like something had gone wrong..if anything it was the fact she liked me so much that made her do it.
But later that night after she had been to work, she spoke to me and told me that she couldn't do it and that she couldnt walk away from me....she said that she loved how things are between us and she couldnt be without me...she even said that she does want to be with me...but we cant cos of this other guy.
This weekend she is going back to her home for a mates party...and whiles shes back home shes no doubt going to be seeing this other guy...so this has got me really worried.
I saw her last night and things were ok at first but then because i worried so much i started asking things and it got a bit weird....we were still really close and i after the chat i even asked her if she wanted to walk away and leave things (which i obviously didnt!) and she said no...so i did kind of give her the chance.
Im just confused at what to do now and could do with some advice! She means the world to me and i care for her so much...she says the same to me.
I love spending time with her and whenever i am with her everything just feels perfect and feels so right. We act like we are with each other and she said that herself...me may aswell just be together. but its just this other guy back home getting in the way.
I have trouble with worrying too much aswell..its something i really need to sort out because i think things are 100x worse than they really are.
I just dont know how long shes gona be into both of us for and how long its going to be before she finally decides she needs to do something about it.
Ive often thought maybe i should 'pretend' to walk away...and by that i mean, tell her i cant do this anymore and basically act like ive left...even though i dont actually mean it....and then see how she acts to it and hoping that she comes running back.
but theres 2 risks to me doing that...one being if i say im walking away she will think im serious, respect my decision and get on with things.
and two...if i say im leaving it makes her decision easier for her and then shes left with this other guy.
Im sorry if ive blabbered on, ive probably missed lots of important stuff so if you need to know anything please just ask me and ill answer truthfully.
**another thing i want to add is how i think there's definitely something there between us due to the fact that 8 months down the line we are stronger than ever...and in this time she has been living far away from me 90% of the time..she has been away for a month and half..we have had arguments...she get lots of attention from the lads.....yet im still here!!
Thanks in advance
Posted Fri Oct 02, 2009 06:41 AM
so it sounds to me like shes wanting her cake and eating it ( sorry for using a Scottish term) but seems to me shes playing both of you along , how do you know shes not telling the other guy the same thing ?
tread careful dude
Posted Fri Oct 02, 2009 06:50 AM
He's not the problem. The problem is that she has no incentive to make a decision.
So the only thing for you to do is decide what YOU want. Is life better in this sort of dating limbo? Or should you move on? Because right now she's not willing to give you 100%. And if you want 100%, you need to find a woman who will give that to you.
Posted Fri Oct 02, 2009 12:13 PM
What I would normally say to somebody in this position is to give an ultimatum, but be careful in how you do it. You need to approach her in a way that makes her understand why you're doing it and not realize that you're giving her an ultimatum. Suggestion:
"I want to talk to you about something. I'm really attracted to you - you're sexy, smart, and (whatever). I really want to be with you, and I think about you all of the time. But the problem is that as much as I think about you, I worry about the situation. I worry that I'm going to get hurt. And I hate feeling like this. I'm wondering if it's worth it to continue trying. I really want to be with you, but I feel like I'm not getting all of you, and that's not enough for me. Do you understand what I mean?"
I know this is a wordy and girly way to say it, but essentially, you need to be gentle, tell her how much you like her, take the conversation to the emotional level, and tell her that she's hurting you. Most women try to minimize pain for others, so if she really cares about you, she will do this for you, and you won't have to give a direct ultimatum. Notice that in my example, you aren't locked into any actions afterward. If she says that she can't completely disconnect from the other guy, then tell her that you're going to slow it down and think about things. Follow through, or you'll lose all of your power in the situation. That sounds ugly, but relationships are really a negotiation/balance of power.
When I started this suggestion, I said that I would normally suggest it. Your situation is complicated because of distance. In this situation, she can easily lie to you. Again, some girls do lie, and others don't. You really need to shorten that distance. Can one of you move? In all honesty, the chances of the relationship lasting are very small if you remain apart for long. How worth it is the relationship?
More on lying... If she lies, it's probably to protect your feelings or because she doesn't feel strong enough to break the tie with the other guy. Of course there could be other reasons, but these are the ones that come to mind. The only way you can bypass this is to make her feel like she doesn't need to lie to you. If she feels comfortable telling you everything, then she won't feel like it's her only option. The problem is.. this is incompatible with the ultimatum.
So... what to do? Hmmm... In all honesty, I know things can be tough, especially when you're younger (in university?), but I've always said that if I really wanted to be with somebody, I'd make it happen, no matter what. So, I guess I would say that you need to think and make decisions before taking any steps. Is it worth it? What are your tentative plans in the future, should it work out? (It's one of my pet peeves that American men are afraid of this topic... it's not planning, it's checking compatibility to decide if the relationship is worth putting effort into.) What are your minimum requirements to be okay in the relationship? How can you make sure that those are met? Once you figure this out, I think your next moves will be much more clear.
Posted Fri Oct 02, 2009 01:20 PM
whether u want to or not, u need to man the fuck up. IF you have feelings for this girl, you cant keep doing this. If she is talking to you EVERYDAY for hours and hours...then she obviously likes you.
And if you like teh broad enough, maybe you 2 should spend more time with each other...3 hours is not too too long away. Maybe you can alternate weekends and visit each other.
you gotta think of something and make a decision.
Tell her straight up, listen....i like you alot, but i cant keep doing this...im already attatched to you, and the face that you are with another person is tearing me down, and i dont know if i can take it anymore. I want to pursue something further with you, and im willing to do w.e to make it work, but things have got to change, if not then im gone time sorry, but i cant do this anymore, and if you have the same feelings for me as i have for you, then id hope you would want to work something out betweeen me and you, and if not...then im better off without you anyways.
boom, case close...send her something like that, if she stil says i dont kno, then you say well if you cant make a decision, then i have to...and then you end shit right there...
its not worth it brother
Posted Sat Oct 03, 2009 02:45 AM
1) You have to give her time to get her feelings straightened out. Anything you say won't change what she needs - time.
2) On the other hand, maybe you don't have the time. And if you don't, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that - only you can know if you love her enough to wait or if the time is up.
Whatever you choose - don't play games. Don't give her an ultimatum if you aren't ready. You can't give her an ultimatum and not get the answer you want - and then try to get back in the game. If you give her an ultimatum, it needs to be for YOU, not HER. If she says she's not ready to commit, then games up and move on.
Posted Sat Oct 03, 2009 07:54 AM
She is only living an hour away now for the next 8months so that isn't really a problem anymore.
I don't think I can quite give an ultimatum just yet as things aren't that bad between us, so I'd rather hang on to chance of seein her occasionally and having good times rather than losing her completely at this moment in time
I like the idea of giving her space and I have thought about that, I'm just not sure of how to go about it?
I don't want to like ignore her and stuff in a way that will make us drift apart but obviously I don't want to annoy her!
So what's the best way to do it? How to act, what to say? Just really unsure
Posted Sat Oct 03, 2009 06:53 PM