My wife masturbates while I am sleeping
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 11:31 AM
My wife and I have been married for 21 years - we are both just 41. Our sex life has been always hit & miss. I have had many conversations with my wife about her lack of sex drive and what can be done to improve it as 1-2 times a month really doesn't work for me. These conversations are never angry or accusatory on my side but her replies always very angry and very short. We have had issues which have arose that required marriage counseling which came at her request that I gladly went to without resisting. A few of them resulted in the therapist advised her to not be so controlling. 8 -9 years ago I went through an extended dry spell of a month or two and just figured to just roll with it. One evening I woke up to use the bathroom and my wife wasn't in bed...I noticed a glow coming from the living room and went to investigate. I discovered her humping the floor, completely out of control. I interrupted her with a comment something like, "Are ya having fun" with a smile - she was very angry I walked in on this...it could have been embarrassment too...I can't recall. I expressed that I was hurt by this but also asked if I could help with anything, would she like to pick up some toys or whatever...her reply was simply "no". A day or two later I mentioned that I would be open to anything she might be interesting in trying sexually but again they reply was short & angry. Over these last years since then I have consistently asked if she would like to stop by adult stores for toys, clothing, etc - no pressure from me...some things have improved, others have stayed the same. Over the last year or so there have been occasions where I have woke up by what I thought was the bed kinda shaking but blew it off & went back to sleep. The last month or so has been slow again sexually - I mention it again with the same 'ol replies. Monday of this week I was lucky enough to score some lovin'...what a surprise...I didn't even have to ask. At 2AM I was kicked in the leg and laid there wondering WTF as she was going nutty humping her hand. I gave her a few moments and asked if I could help with anything and she quickly rolled over and commented about a leg cramp or something to that effect. I told her I was really OK with what was going on but also a little disappointed that I have to wait for the stars and planets to align in proper order before she would consider anything. Over the last few days I have asked if we could talk about this, again - was there something we could try together, do you want to experiment with anything new, etc, and I get no reply. I continued on with a comment stating I thought it was kinda hot and perhaps I could watch or even take a few pics but again she shot back with an angry reply. I don't think I plan on asking but I am gonna guess this has just been going on over these last few years. At this point I just don't know where to go with this any longer.
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:37 PM
She is super crabby today - don't know what the hell is going on. Many irritable texts coming into my cell today. I asked what she is so angry about and her reply was, "You have been too negative in regards to commenting what is going on in the bedroom." I asked how so...all I have done is ask what I can do to help!
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:44 PM
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:56 PM
A little more info:
I own my own company. While we are not well off, we do OK. I am taking a hit with the economy like everyone else. I work out 5-6 days a week to keep in shape for her & I also help tidy the house so she doesn't have to do it all - I tell you however, I absolutely hate folding wash. Her friends tell her she is lucky to have a guy who is so helpful. I am really open minded when it comes to really doing whatever I can to help with with this and anything else!
Edit : I know for certain I am not perfect by any means. All of this is very puzzling & a more than a bit frustrating. I feel as though I have done more than enough to try and make this work. I think my options are to either (A) bail, ( find a fuck buddy or © try and go through yet another therapist.
Edit #2 : I suggested a sex therapist once prior and that got shot down. You see...if it's something she feels needs to be worked on, I must go with her. Again - I have no issue with this...what does it hurt to talk with another impartial viewpoint? If it is something I feel needs to be worked on and/or improved...well...that's just not going to happen. Arughhhhh.....
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 01:11 PM
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 02:44 PM
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 08:38 PM
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 09:15 PM
this is very exciting. you got yourself a sex goddess, which means there's loads of sex there to discover, you just ain't in the sex goddess' circle at the mo. good news is, you can totally get in with the fan club, even better news, you'll probably be the only card holder. exciting adventures ahead ...
so, how do you get your entrance card? easy. she's masurbating which means she's totally sexed up. thing about masturbating is that she is totally in the centre. it's all about her. and see, that's your key.
when you say to her, it's great that you masturbate, but it's disappointing you don't share it with me, what you're saying is - i like you being sexed up, but i want your sex for me.
her sex needs to be #1 - #-fucking-1!!!! and the thing is, once her sex is #1, she'll be able to share it with you! and it will be hot and gooey and great! yay!
so, start easy, it will take her a while to get used to it - and she might be shy at first, so be patient and gentle and encouraging. instead of asking her a question or something while she's masturbating, which is esentially interrupting some hot 'me time', enhance her 'me time'. how? contribute. this means telling her how hot she is, how good she sounds, telling her how good her tits are, looking at her with lusty eyes (when she's cool with this and finds it a turn on rather than an intrusion) etc. only get physically involved if she asks for it. you can tell her you'd like to, because this is still about her and how hot she is, but don't get involved unless she specifically says she wants you to.
and remember, this is not about excluding you, it's about including her. so when you do have sex on your monthly bouts, change it completely. go really slow, treat her body like the amazing sex goddess she is, worship it, be delighted by it, remember how lucky you are to have it near you. if she doesn't act like a sex goddess at first, remember that she's learning - even if she doesn't realise it - and she needs your help to get there.
she's on a journey, and you have the key to making it amazing for her! i'm sure if you do, in time she will return the favour
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:20 PM
Does she orgasm when you have sex? If she doesn't, it would lend weight to my theory:
I think she's ashamed of more than masturbating. She's ashamed of her sexuality. A lot of people are taught as children that sex is dirty. Some people have difficulty overcoming it. I read somewhere that the majority of women who can't orgasm don't orgasm because they don't allow themselves to. As soon as they believe that it's acceptable, the problems are solved. I would guess that your wife's behavior is tied to this - she doesn't think it's acceptable behavior for her to be sexual.
I don't want to offend, but she may fake orgasms, too. If I'm right that she feels ashamed of her sexuality, she probably can't allow herself the freedom to enjoy the experience and achieve orgasm. At the same time, if she feels pressure to orgasm, she may fake it rather than deal with more shame.
If there is shame, it would make sense that she reacts in anger when you bring up the topic. But, it's not really anger, it's pain.
I suggest a therapist specializing in sex. I would also suggest that you contact the therapist before talking to your wife, since you don't seem to have much luck in terms of this topic. Perhaps the therapist can help you find a way to get her to go.
Posted Fri Oct 23, 2009 11:59 PM
First, Pandora has it all right! I've been in past relatioships where I wasn't comfortable and didn't want to have sex. One, because although I'm easliy an 8, i still have a few minor insecurites, and when guy isn't telling/showing me enough that he likes all my stuff, I get freaked right out anf that's the end of that. So, I know it takes a whole lotta giving before you seem to get any recieving, worship her! Pandora has said it all! I have been breasting for 4 years straight now, 2 babies worth, and my breasts are still beautiful, but no where near as perky as the once were, but my darling husband thinks they;re perfrect and treats them as such. So, I've got not insecurities, and I'll do what ever.
Also, previous lovers who could care less if I cum never got much action. I don't mean to be all 'me me me me me me ' but, it's pretty much guaranteed the man is going to atleast climax, where as for women, it can be pretty boring, which leads to nothing. I AM NOT SAYING YOU'RE BORING!!!! By any means! You sound like a WONDERFUL husband, you do more than 99% of men out there! So, how do you make sure she has a wicked good time?
I have some ideas -
Coconut oil - the slipperiest, sweetest lube in the world, feels friggin amazing. Next time she want's to put out, use that oil and give her some g-spot orgasms with your fingers. Don't forget to play with her clit at the same time. If she doesn't love that, I dunno what else to suggest!
And as Meow said, maybe try a sex therpasit again if any further advances are shut down.
Being married, I would not be opposed to having a fuck buddy. If I for some reason didn't wanna screw my husband anymore, I would tell him to go find a booty call. That's all IMO.
Posted Sat Oct 24, 2009 08:19 AM
moonbeam = Good call on the suggestion for me to buy her some outfits. I had suggested we both buy some together but maybe she would appreciate it more if I pick out some items I think are attractive. I can definitely give it her an over the top relaxing evening at least 1-2 times a week.
Bob Mackadoo = She commented about a personal trainer working with the ladies at work. This is part of a personal wellness program they just begun and she commented last night about perhaps beginning this as well.
meow = I know she faked orgasms in the past - she has told me this. I was able to have a bit of a conversation last night as we were driving to an event together with no anger coming from her. Again - I didn't care what she has to do to have pleasure - I was really open to anything & to not be embarrassed by things she feels I may find freaky. I think it would have been beneficial for me not to say anything the other night and wait for a day or two. When things are a bit more laid back like in the ride last night I could easily slip in about couples sex therapy with little worry of resentment for me mentioning it.
MrandMrs = I always try and put her first and maybe she has issues with that? I ask for direction sometimes as to what to do...."Go harder?" or try and change positions and such...I can recall occasional feedback and/or resistance to changing a position and I don't force it all as I want her to be comfortable. I know some might comment that I should be more forceful with positions and such but I have been assured she is definitely not into anything like that. Yeah - I was able to rock a G-spot orgasm a time or two and she seemed to enjoy that very much. She squirted a bit and I told her repeatedly how hot it was! Do you think she may recall those events and want to attain that every time and there may be frustration with that!?!? Damn - I never even thought about that till now!
I feel much better reading through the comments - thanks again all considering I am a first timer here. Feel free to continue to chime in!
Posted Sat Oct 24, 2009 08:24 AM
Posted Tue Oct 27, 2009 10:54 AM
B A said:
Which is perfectly acceptable - sometimes.
I agree with many of the responses here. The only time i've ever NOT wanted to have sex with my partner was when i just wasn't enjoying it. Not saying you don't do a good job, but apparently something just isn't doing it for her. It also seems she is COMPLETELY uninterested in discussing the issues. You are a great man for wanting to get to the bottom of this issue, but without her opening up you're pretty much up shit creek without a paddle.
In my opinion, sex in a relationship is VERY important. It's not the whole relationship, but it is a lot of it.
Definitely get toys!!! If she does not have a single toy, get a vibe. That will do so much for your sex life, hands down! If she has trouble achieving orgasm from vaginal stimulation (as do i and many other women) the vibe is just what you need!
The sexy clothes are also a good idea, but something tells me she just isn't going to be into it, if she wasn't keen to the idea of going shopping with you. I think that is something that can come later, once she opens up about her sexuality. She's horny, she's masturbating. But, she obviously finds masturbating more enjoyable. Which is okay from time to time, but not always! I love a good mouse clicking session, even when i'm having sex regularly. But most definitely would never choose it over the real thing.
Posted Tue Nov 17, 2009 01:11 AM
It seems to me that this could be one of two things. Either A.) It's just how she is, which means that you might be screwed, or B.) which is much more optimistic (and I think likely), you need to take the reigns a little here.
Many she feels like she just wants her own time because you're not being the "man" enough (I'm not saying this to insult you in anyway so please don't take it that way). What I mean by this is that perhaps she's just frustrated that you're always looking to ask her what she wants, rather than just taking her and doing what you like and going all animalistic on her...if that makes sense. Obviously I'm not saying this IS the cause of the problem, but perhaps it is somehow related. I know that with my girlfriend in the beginning I'd get really frustrated because she just didn't "get" what I wanted, and I kept getting more and more frustrated with her lack of being on the same page with me.
I really wanted her to just go crazy and do what she wanted, but she didn't...until finally we talked and she got more comfortable with it. My answers in the beginning were short and kind of angry too because I felt like it was pointless to talk to her since she just wouldn't get it. I now know it definitely was NOT pointless, and the only way to break through this barrier was to really talk...multiple times, and sometimes tough things needed to be said, but it saved our relationship.
I would suggest that you take the lead on this when you get the chance. Try starting off with a nice romantic night...then give her a nice back massage...try to kiss down her back and stuff like that...and then just go to it! Don't ask her "does this feel ok?" or "should I go harder?"...you'll know if she's liking it, just do it!
Not to be unneccesarily critical, and I'm not judging, but it seems so strange to me that after being married for 21 years (since you were 20) that sexuality is still so difficult to discuss...I guess based on what you're saying that it really isn't your fault at all though...were you guys ever open about it? Was it always this dry? Again, not your fault it seems, but there is a MASSIVE amount of a lack of communication here it seems.
If you try your best, and it still fails, then you absolutely must tell her how this is adversally effecting your marraige, and if it gets to it, tell her that it's making you consider ending things. You gotta be straight up with her. You're 41 years old...if things don't improve, are you just going to bite the bullet and live unhappily ever after? I guess that's your call...Sex can never make a relationship, but the lack of communication about it can absolutely break a relationship...
I really hope this helps, give it a shot...
If it doesn't work, then perhaps you really are stuck with option A, which I hope isn't the case...try this out, and good luck...let us know how it goes.
Posted Wed Nov 18, 2009 10:25 AM
Posted Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:06 AM
Posted Wed Nov 18, 2009 07:04 PM
That sounds like abuse to me.
Posted Wed Nov 18, 2009 09:41 PM
What? Telling her to pull her head out of her ass?
I didn't tell him to beat her, call her names, or tie her to a chair and piss on her. What I did say, to be perfectly clear......is to man up.
Its a crying shame that we have gotten to the point where standing up for yourself is considered "abuse."