How to Be a Better Wife
Posted Mon Dec 28, 2009 01:26 PM
Honestly, I'm not sure I got over it. I'm almost there but I had to back down on a big career break. So now I take out all my frustration to my husband. It's as if I'm watching him slip so I can have a reason to get mad at him. I always nag him and when he works late, I accuse him of cheating. He said that I'm so controlling and impatient and that I'm emasculating him.
I really don't have any idea how to be a good wife, because I never got a chance to really know my father. My parents separated when I was 3. I don't want the same thing to happen to us. How can I stop being mad at him? I know I'm selfish at times and recently our sex life has suffered too. We haven't had sex in 3 months. I need sex too but don't feel "right" with him enough to have sex now. But I don't think this is a "sex" problem necessarily. I'm pretty sure that we need to fix the other stuff and then the sex will work itself out.
Where do I start? How can I be more patient with my career and be more supportive as his wife?
Posted Mon Dec 28, 2009 01:30 PM
Second thing, recover your passion, enjoy time together, simple things can mean a lot.
and at last trust love, love is the sum of respect, company, patience, support and all you can give, for sure giving will bring back all you want to receive.
Posted Mon Dec 28, 2009 01:48 PM
next, do you feel respected and cherished in your marriage? reading your post, I get the impression that you feel trapped with your unexpected pregnancy and then giving up your career for a year has stung badly.
Are you back in your career again?
Its hard to be a "good wife" if you don't have the backing of your husband. Its vital that he shares in housework, child raising, supporting you in career and mostly for him to take the time to cuddle and love you.
Sex matters of course and you are right not to make love if you don't want to however if your husband makes you feel all of the above, then the making love should restart naturally.
I do believe in the saying that all problems are caused by a lack of communication, have you both sat down and discussed how your feel about all of this?
Perhaps thats what you need to do if you havent already.
I feel that this is very common in lots of marriages, one partner carries on as normal whilst the other struggles to keep all the balls in the air and is in danger of dropping them all.
There is no such thing as a good wife, only a good marriage or partnership, it really does take two to make it work and yes you have to work at it but again, both of you.
Posted Mon Dec 28, 2009 02:57 PM
I suspect that you need to take some time for yourself. You need to find your own balance between career and family and restore your inner life to peace. From there, you will be able to reconnect with your husband. It will take some time, and it would be a good idea to have a sounding board for your thoughts and ideas - be it a counselor, friend(s), or an online community.
And FYI, I come from a line of strong women who usually marry men who are very flexible and forgiving. We can use our strength to the benefit of our families, but we can also use it to be very destructive. That makes it all the more important to make sure that we're squared away inside, so that our strength is directed the right way.
Posted Mon Dec 28, 2009 03:38 PM
Posted Tue Dec 29, 2009 02:56 PM
Short answer... by being honest with yourself and recognize that we cannot have everything we want when we want it. Ok, that was blunt but I took the liberty since you consider yourself a well rounded professional with well rounded aspirations.
I might be daring in saying this, but you should consider very carefully your options; otherwise, you'll make life a living hell for yourself and everybody around you. Please think about this thoroughly, and act in consequence. Life goes on whether we like it or not, and whatever you decided in the past, you need to come to terms with and have no regrets. You'll feel miserable with the what-if's and you may hurt your SO in the way. Then, the issue of motherhood... nobody said that you cannot have a successful career if you have children... yes, it might take you longer, but I gather you're very competitive and measuring yourself with similar types in the work place. I can tell you that you can make yourself respected at the work place even if you're not bossing people around.
I like what Meow said, try to find some balance between work and family, but above all, be courageous to acknoledge what you want and not make apologies for the decisions you make. You seem like an intelligent individual, then try to think out of the box and look for other possibilities in the work front rather than the promotion you missed because you were pregnant.
Posted Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:29 AM
Posted Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:51 PM
Posted Thu Jan 07, 2010 01:10 PM
This post has been edited by B A: Thu Jan 07, 2010 01:11 PM
Posted Mon Jan 18, 2010 02:31 AM
Damn BA, that is some wisdom there. I will try to remember that.
To the OP, seek counseling. You stated that you have no model of what a healthy marriage should be or look like and I agree...everyone thinks marriage is something they should be able to figure out on their own, but if it worked like that then we wouldn't have a nearly 50% divorce rate. The important thing is that you know there is a problem and want to fix it. Resentment is a hard thing to overcome, for sure, and my opinion is that you guys need a dispassionate third party - a counselor - to help you guys sort things out and to help you relearn how to talk to each other.
I wish you the best.
Posted Thu Jan 28, 2010 06:20 PM