Delicate Topic Delicate Topic
Posted Mon Dec 28, 2009 09:54 PM
I am really hurt right now,i need some advice.
I have a weird situation with a friend. I've tried giving him a thousand chances. He can be the most supportive, awesome friend in the world. But he wants me in ways that aren't healthy for a friendship. He's done countless things that any sane person would have hung him for. But i'm one of those people that see the good in people and continually give them chances. It's my downfall in life.
I think he's crossed the line. It hurts me to think of not having him in my life in some way because i know that he cares about me, but he cares TOO much and in not the right ways.
I've recently started a relationship with a man even I couldn't see myself ever becoming involved with. And as soon as my friend caught wind of us talking, and i told him so, he went ape shit to say the list. It turned into this huge thing because he's my "ex FWB" 's friend, and my friend continually told me how i was gonna end up with this guy and it's wrong because yada yada yada. Well, i told him flat out then that i was not attracted to this guy and didn't see this happening. And i did not.
But it did. That's not the end of the world, right? He then called me a liar and freaked out again, going on and on. I hate being called a liar. It's not a liar to say "I'm not attracted to the guy and don't see myself being with him" and then spending time with the guy and changing my mind. I haaaaaaaaate being called a liar.
Fast forward to now. He has gone from calling me a liar to telling me that I am playing with fire and i'm going to get burned. He's gone so far as to tell me i'm gonna get knocked up. I am 23 years old and have been having sex for a long time, i know about the birds and the bee's. I told him repeatedly that he was insulting me by insinuating that i was stupid enough to get pregnant. He continued on. Sugar coating it with "oh, i care about you and that's why i'm concerned." Bullshit. Let me make a list here.
- He's tried telling me what i'm doing is wrong because it's a friend of a guy i used to see.
- He's compared the two to the point of how long it took each of them to get a BJ from me. Saying that Guy 1 chased me for a year (Foretting the fact that he was SHADY and it made me unsure of him) to get what Guy 2 got in 3 weeks. Like that really matters???
- He's also hit on a sensitive subject for me - i was always scared of Guy 1 and how "clean" he was. He now tells me that Guy 2 is probably a huge slut and i need to be more concerned about him than i ever was of the other guy. This goes back to stereotyping him because of his race, i think.
- He tells me i'm ruining my reputation, that i'm gonna be viewed as "used goods" because of this guys race.
- Pretty much the same as above, i'm gonna be considered a groupie band slut because of what this guy does for a career
- He got upset because i said i find this guy fascinating and feel like i can talk to him about anything - comparing himself to him "I thought you could talk to me about anything?" like that MATTERS at all!? Can i not have more than one person i can talk to?
- He's belittled my feelings i had for the first guy, telling me "What about -insert name here-, he's old news now huh?" - My relationship with that man has NOTHING to do with the new one, at ALL. That was over before this other guy was in my life.
- He's TELLING me how this is "true love" and we're gonna be living together by this summer. Like he can see the future, and so what? Be happy for me or something? Maybe?
Basically I could go on and on. He's making my life HELL over this. He's digging at ANYthing that he can to hurt me. So much for a friend you've known a long time, right?
I forgot to mention he made a huge deal over the pregnancy thing, that i'm gonna get knocked up with a biracial baby. T hat's bad enough, but let me mention that i don't even know if i can have children and he knows this. Very sensitive subject for me. If i don't wanna get pregnant, i'm not going to do anything stupid. It's not like i think i'm invincible, but i don't know if i can reproduce or not.
I don't even know where this relationship is going. And he tells me how it's gonna be. He says he can't "trust" me now because i "lied" about not wanting to be anything but friends with the guy. I have NO reason to lie to my friend. My sex life is not his business. He doesn't see how jealous he is and that's where the problem stems from. It's weird - like he had NO issues with the other guy. He liked him and wanted to see us together, and the guy was a total ass to me. I think maybe he was okay with it because he KNEW that we would never actually succeed together, i don't know.
I have a tough time ridding myself of people in my life, what do you suggest i say to him? I've gotten so mad i've called him names, i've given him "tough love", i've tried being sad and hurt, i've tried being angry - nothing gets through to him. I've lost a ton of respect for him by learning how racist he can be, that is something i cannot turn a blind eye to.
It's a bummer to realize that if this relationship goes further, i'm gonna get this type of shit from all sides. But i don't KNOW where this is going. Instead of being my friend and being there for me and supporting me, he's being psychotic. In the past he's stalked me online, i don't even know why i continue to give him chances. I don't know how to handle this, because i do CARE about him and i really think he's not all there or something. I know he's haboring feelings for me, but i've told him without mincing words that i would NEVER be with him, EVER. What more can i do?
I know what i need to do, i just need encouragement and advice. And he'll read this thread probably, even though he's supposed to be banned from here. So i don't even know why i'm posting this, i just have nobody to turn to about it. I have enough uncertainty about this WHOLE thing without him making my life hell over it.
Posted Mon Dec 28, 2009 10:34 PM
What's more worse for him is that the idea of another man fucking you drives him mad.
He feels weak because he can't get any from you and he wants it bad. He's making you feel bad so he can know what he says still effects you.
Your situation is touchy, so I won't be bold as I usally am.
I wouldn't take him seriously though. His male-ego is wounded. Have you tried ignoring him. I know you care about him, but damn, enough is enough don't you think?
What do you think?
Posted Mon Dec 28, 2009 11:02 PM
Posted Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:08 PM
Let alone go off his nut because you have an new friend.
Get rid of this Fool while you can.
Posted Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:32 PM
Please be careful with this one.
This post has been edited by cocoa70: Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:34 PM
Posted Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:41 PM
Posted Tue Dec 29, 2009 01:12 PM
you have learnt a lesson in dealing with jealousy and how dangerous it can potentially be. Its a shame that you are going through this but ensure you listen to the advice you are given.
Posted Tue Dec 29, 2009 03:13 PM
You also need to tell him that you understand that he thinks you are making a mistake. It's important to validate his thoughts. BUT, you also must make it clear that it's your life and you are living a different life from him, and you must learn and experience as YOU see fit. As with so many relationships, you may end up hurt. Tell him that you like his advice and support, as a friend, AS LONG AS it's put in a respectful and tolerant way. I never find myself being able to say such things in real time, so I generally send them in texts or emails. Some people are against this, but my thoughts and tongue get mixed up in person or over the phone.
I would also say to step back and take a clear look at what he says. There may be some merit to it. At the same time, it may be motivated by secret desires of his. You can only really understand if you can let go of all of the emotions and try to look at it from an external point of view. Or, be open to the opinions of others. On many occasions, friends and family have given me ideas that would have never occurred to me. Telling them the truth about things has made all of the difference in my life.
Finally, I would say that if you are choosing to play with fire, do so with open eyes. You can't take these risks and then whine about it if you get burned. I have chosen to take the risk, and I ended up very wounded. It sucks, and I am still somewhat pissed about it, but it was my choice to take a risk, and I paid for it. Looking back, I can't explain why I did it, and now my friends laugh with me, saying that they couldn't figure it out the entire time I was doing it!
Encouragement... You are 23, which means that you have some life experience, but you are still collecting it. Use what have learned combined with what you believe. Regardless of what happens in this relationship, you can choose to use it to make yourself a better, stronger, wiser person. In the words of Joseph Campbell, "What we are really living for is the experience of being alive." So, go for it! Experience life! Both of the men in your OP are just experiences in your life. Just don't forget that it's made up of ups and the downs, because there is always a balance of them. The art is balancing the two.
Posted Tue Dec 29, 2009 06:04 PM
I'm kind of combining the thoughts of everyone here in my response. I know he is a potential stalker. He's already done "stalker-like" things to me, through the internet. I don't spend time alone with this guy, we mainly talk online and in texts/phone. There is a lot of distance between us. So i really do not encourage him in any way. I've never given him the idea that I would be willing to be with him in any way other than friends. I'm not sure where the problems began, but it's been a roller coaster of a friendship. In the end I just feel bad for him. He doesn't have friends. Or at least none that i really know about. He moved away from his friends to be with his family. He doesn't even have a dog or a fish. He wants to spend every second he can "with" me, and i'm not really down for that. He will throw complete FITS if i don't sign on my yahoo messenger on my blackberry. This can be because 1) i forget. or 2) the server won't connect. or 3) i just don't want to. None of those are good enough reasons for him and he takes it personally and says i'm purposely avoiding him.
I don't know if the friendship is salvageable at all. I cannot go on knowing that my FRIEND, and admittedly at this point in time he is like my best friend (I don't have anybody else that i'm as close to, or that knows as much about what is going on in my life) is thinking of me as used goods, nasty white trash, etc because of who i may be spending my time with. That is just terrible, it makes me sick. I am NOT a dumb girl, and he belittled me into a complete idiot by drilling in my head that i'm going to get knocked up. Yes, i may not be on the pill at this moment, but i'm also not fucking anybody. I'm not STUPID, i know how it works.
As far as the racism goes - this rubs me SO wrong. I hate racist people. I don't see color. But i can tell you this - this guy that i am seeing is the whitest black man i have ever met. There is NOTHING stereotypical about him. And my FRIEND knows this. This guy is a good guy, regardless of color. I mean, a good one. I may not quite know yet how he treats his "women" or what kind of lover that he is, but in life, he is a good person. A fantastic one, and it's well known. He's a popular, well liked guy with a ton of friends. For him to find ANY little thing that he could bring up about him being a black man like he did just goes to show he's grasping at straws trying to make him look bad. Which is dumb, and childish.
I could be completely wrong, but is it possible that he is letting his racist thoughts drive him to obsess over the thought of me getting pregnant by this guy? Is it like some huge fear he has and that makes him completely forget i'm not some dumb girl? I know what i'm doing. I know perfectly well how babies are made.
As far as i'm concerned, and as others have said, it's really not his business who i'm friends with, or who i date. He did something similar to me not too long ago and i shrugged it off. It was another guy i was talking to that i got reconnected with from school. My "friend" went completely NUTS on this huge obsession about how i was gonna end up in love with this dude and all this - when i repeatedly told him i was NOT interested in a relationship with this particular guy. And when it became apparent that i wasn't lying to him, and me and this guy actually stopped talking, i didn't get an apology, NOTHING. When i would ask him "What does it matter? So what if i fall in love with him? What business is it of yours?" He would say that i was changing my tune, admitting "guilt" and making excuses... without answering the question of course. But in the end... He didn't once acknowledge how wrong he was or how out of place he was stepping.
It's just so fucked up. I'm afraid it's just gonna get worse if i tell him to get out of my life. I dont' want this to escalate into some scary situation from some fucked up movie or something.
This post has been edited by LyricalOne: Tue Dec 29, 2009 06:10 PM
Posted Tue Dec 29, 2009 09:43 PM
Posted Wed Dec 30, 2009 12:07 AM
Posted Wed Dec 30, 2009 09:53 AM
If he had sat down and approached me and said, hey look... I just want to make sure you're looking at the big picture here, this person you are seeing is a musician, and I was there when you were hurt by the last guy, and he was too. I just want to make sure you realize that he could be the same kind of guy, you don't know yet, and i don't want you to get hurt. Or something of that nature - that would have flown great! I would have said yes, i've thought about that, but so far it's completely different and I really don't have that fear but thank you for your concern. I would have agreed with him that chances are this guy could be bad for me - but so far, he's NOT. I already tried to explain to him that when i am with this person, he makes me laugh, we have a great time. I have been very unhappy and it feels good to be with somebody that can draw me out of my shell. At this point that's all that it is.
Instead of saying "You're gonna move in with him by the summer, you're gonna get knocked up!" And all this he could have said something along the lines of "In my opinion, this has gone pretty fast. I think this could go places, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but i hope that you realize what you're doing. It concerns me that you may get hurt, I realize you're a smart girl, but i don't want you to mess up." I don't even understand his view on that, when this guy and i are not even a couple. We're just hanging out and spending time together.
There is a big difference between being concerned for somebody and being jealous, obsessed, and crazy. Right? Am i correct here, do you think?
I haven't talked to him in a few days. Last i heard from him he sent me some stupid text "You've ruined this friendship, i hope you're happy, take care girly" or something completely stupid like that. I never replied, and i'm rather surprised that he hasn't tried to contact me since. Maybe i don't have to worry about it at all... but we'll see.
It stresses me out, I need new friends. I have very few, and they've all changed into people i don't even like anymore. It's sad as hell.
Posted Wed Dec 30, 2009 10:47 AM
And most importantly, don't let him run your life.
A lot of guys are, believe or not, going to have some possesivness in them. Its in our nature. But this guy is taken it to a whole new level.
Be happy and be safe.
Posted Thu Dec 31, 2009 10:42 AM
Posted Thu Dec 31, 2009 12:24 PM
As far as what? the racism?
Posted Mon Jan 04, 2010 07:11 PM
Where the guy in question (That i'm seeing) lives no.
And i don't know about where the friend lives and where he was brought up.
See where i live, yes, it is sorta still viewed that way. Most of the people of that race ARE people living on welfare and things of that nature around here. There a few areas known for crime and that type of thing also. A lot of the people still have racial stereotypes they haven't gotten over. And this happens to be the same area that the guy i am seeing grew up in. But he got the hell out of here It's a very small densely populated place, so i guess it's no wonder things are this way.
Posted Mon Jan 04, 2010 09:28 PM
Posted Tue Jan 05, 2010 12:01 AM
Geezus Dangermoose! And I thought I wasn't being tactful... This is the kind of answer I like... Direct, succinct and to the point.