1. Go into another room, take off all your clothes, come back into the room he's in, and start talking to him about a serious matter, like the bills. When he remarks that you're naked, just say "I know," in a neutral tone of voice, and continue with the discussion!
2. When he's out in town, doing something, call him on his cell phone. When he's only a few blocks from the house, get naked, sit on the couch, spray a giant arrow that points down on your abs in whipped cream, put on a blind fold, and wait for him to walk in the door and see you!
3. When you're just watching TV, and he goes to the bathroom, take off your pants and let him come back to the sight of your masturbating for no apparent reason.
4. If you're bisexual, find a good-looking female celebrity, like Jessica Alba or Gail Kim, and ask him "Do you think she's pretty?" in that jealous, suspicious, "you'd better say no, or I'll walk out this door right now" tone of voice. When he denies it, say "Why not? I think she's pretty. I think she's smoking hot! I'd PAY to fuck the shit out of her!"
5. When you're having sex, insult him and make divorce threats. Say stuff like, "Gimmie your dick, you piece of shit! Make me fucking cum, before I fucking leave you for some stud, [censored by mod]!"
6. On Valentine's Day, buy HIM some stuff! Blindfolds, negligee, and Girls Gone Wild tapes are ALWAYS good ideas!
7. When he's just having his regular, evening shower, walk in on him, but make sure he doesn't know you're there until you pull back the curtain and step in. Use his dick as a grabhold while you step over the tub's mini wall, and just step in their, take the washcloth from his hand, and start soaping the two of you up, without exchanging any words, or maybe even any facial expressions! If he starts talking, put your finger over his mouth to hush him!
8. Interject random, sexual phrases into an otherwise innocent conversation. And don't sugarcoat your wording! For example:
Guy: You know, I don't know who's worse: Obama, or Bush.
You: Yeah, and Clinton even fucked his intern. By the way, speaking of Bush, should I shave mine?
Then, actually go and SHAVE it, and ask him what he thinks of your "new haircut."
9. Get some handcuffs and a blindfold. When he's sitting at the computer (or any other chair that you can easily reach both hands behind), sneak up behind him and arrest him, saying the following in a stern tone of voice:
"You're under arrest for failure to satisfy your wife. You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of divorce. You have the right to a blindfold; if you do not have one, one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights?"
When he says yes, say "I hereby sentence you to twenty minutes in prison, and I'm Bubbha!"
10. Last, ask him to look up new sex positions, and pitch them to you, promising to take a "green eggs and ham" approach to ANYTHING that doesn't involve another woman!
This post has been edited by Abigail: Wed Jan 27, 2010 08:32 PM