This girl I am with has hinted dating but I fear she will run because of my past Not dating yet, just fooling around with eachother right now.
Posted Sat Feb 06, 2010 11:53 AM
I used to be a hard drug user and did a lot of things that I am not proud of at all. Half my life I was doing any drug I got (introduced to drugs, well forced fed more like, by my father at age 9 because he wanted me to overdose. He put heroin in me and made me adicted just to watch me suffer withdrawl. The guy was satan)
Well anyways me and her are really connecting and she has talked about dating.
I know she does marijuana, she has offered it to me which I declined.
Should I take the chance and tell her about my past soon or tell her later or not at all?
Posted Sat Feb 06, 2010 12:39 PM
I can't imagine what it was like to grow up that way, but it sounds like you're accepting your circumstances in life, taking responsibility for what you can and can't control and moving on to create a different future for yourself. That is incredibly difficult for most adults, let alone someone at 23 who's also a pre-med student. Kudos to you!
Secondly, broadly speaking, we can never run from our past. The old adage "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" is a truism none of us can escape. There's no doubt that you will find the perfect someone for you one day who will love you MORE for your past, not less.
Difficult situations and circumstances shape and define who we are, how we act and who we will be. Something as horrendous as that - especially something like that out of your control - clearly has to be a defining experience. Based on your profile (nursing assistant, in college, studying pre-med, put your hard drug use behind you, and you're saying no to drugs now) you're clearly breaking away from a past life and moving in the right direction.
It's an inspirational story, as you have broken out of a life pattern that many, many people don't. In addition, you are probably uniquely qualified to empathize and help other children who also find themselves in that situation break out of it and move forward with their life.
As for telling this girl herself, only you can answer this question. Here are a few questions I'd offer to you to help you make the decision:
- It sounds like you need a confidant, someone you can share your background with, who will help you move further from your past (no drugs) and more into your future (graduate from school/med school & make a positive difference in more people's lives). Can she be this person?
- If you tell her about your past while you're dating (assuming most all college girlfriends' don't stay with us for the rest of your life) and she becomes your ex girlfriend, will she share this information about you? One way to tell this is see what she's talking about now. If she's talking about private moments in other people's lives, she'll talk about you later.
- If she does talk about your past, is she the type of person who will look at it positively ("Liquid had a horrible father and grew up in an unimaginable situation, and that's made him stronger and given him an inner strength and ability to help people that very few others have.") or negatively ("he's a loser and will go back to his old ways.") Clearly you want to be with people who will help you grow and become better, not with people who try to tear you down.
good luck, and we're glad you're here at SF.
Hopefully this helps you a little, and you'll get more advice from the community to help you make your decision.
Posted Sat Feb 06, 2010 02:50 PM
There's one thing I'd like to add. I always say that secrets have power. By telling the secret, you remove its power and then you have the power over it. I, too, have had secrets. When I finally told a few trusted friends, their reactions were amazing. Not only were they supportive of me, but they confessed their own secrets, which were, in some cases, very similar to my own. After that, I realized that I don't need to be nervous about my secrets. They're not something that I make a point of telling everybody, but if it bears on the conversation, I share my experiences (with almost anybody). Since you've already shared experiences with a few friends, you can look at how they reacted. It's probably a good indicator of how others will respond.
What you told us isn't your fault. It happened to you, and that's not something you should feel guilty about. Like Jstar, I think it's a sign of true character that you decided to take responsibility for yourself and not let your past dictate your future. I believe that if you tell people, they will only respect you more. The way you explained it here is a great way to do it - simple, matter-of-fact, and not overly emotional. People will respond well to that.
Posted Sat Feb 06, 2010 05:12 PM
Posted Sat Feb 06, 2010 10:05 PM
I have been clean for a few years, and I have done prison time. Last time I went to prison the court ordered rehab, after that I got clean. It was rehab and being raped in prison, once buy a gaurd, that sparked something me to not do this anymore.
I think I will tell her if we choose to date.
I wont ever introduce her to my father, unless it is his grave so we can dance the night away on it. He was recently sent to prison for a very long time.
Posted Sun Feb 07, 2010 12:00 AM
Posted Wed Feb 10, 2010 01:05 AM
i dont mean she wont care about your past, but rather it wont change the way she feels about you.
Posted Sun Feb 21, 2010 07:43 AM
This is not something to be done lightly. Everyone is correct in saying that you should tell her, and that your story shows the strength of your character, rather than a fundamental flaw. What's barely been glanced over is the notion of when to tell her.
She deserves to know the truth, but it's not something you should just hit her with out of nowhere. When she wants to know about your past, she'll ask. That's when you should tell the tale. It could be next week, it could be 2 years from now. If you think it's too soon to share that information, be honest with her and say that you've had a painful past and you don't feel that the relationship is at the point where you're comfortable sharing right now. She'll either respect that and wait for you to be ready, or she'll decide that she just can't handle the mystery. Just don't drag that out for too long. If you're not comfortable enough after a reasonable amount of time, that's a pretty good indication that your relationship isn't going anywhere, anyway. If you both realize down the road that you love each other, then you won't have much hesitation.
She wants to date you, and you want to date her. Do it. It's a no-brainer.
Posted Fri Apr 23, 2010 07:18 PM
My fiancee did every drug I can think of (pot, cocaine, heroine - although he has never injected anything, acid/LSD, mushrooms, ecstacy, etc.) before the two of us met, and he stills smokes pot (and introduced me to smoking pot recently), but his drug use resulted from his choosing to do them. He hasn't done any other drugs since we met, and I wouldn't be with him if he did. If he ever chose to do any of those other drugs again, I would end the relationship. But he hasn't been through anything as traumatic as you've been through, and he has never done any jail time.
I really do feel for you. But it's a good idea to let her in and tell her about your past. It's especially important if your relationship gets serious or becomes a long-term relationship or even if you have any ideas about her potentially being your wife in the future.
If she has questions, be patient with her and understanding that she might be "curious" (for lack of a better word). Try not to be offended if she doesn't have the most open-minded ideas. When my guy and I first talked about his past, I did ask a lot of questions, and I did get somewhat upset.
Best of luck to you.
Posted Fri May 07, 2010 07:52 PM
Posted Wed May 12, 2010 03:20 PM
oh and btw u have the most badass signature ever
Posted Wed Jun 09, 2010 03:37 PM