New Rules (Week 3)
Posted Sat Mar 11, 2006 08:58 PM
New Rule: Hey, wild girls, when you're taking your shirt off, you don't have to stick your tongue out to prove you're fun! You're taking your shirt off. That's all the fun we need.
New Rule: It is not a threesome unless it involves a guy and two girls.
Any idiot can get his girlfriend to poke him and his good-looking friend. I bet she had thoughts of blowing him ever since the two of you started dating. But, if she's willing to chow down on another girl's box, then you have a masterpiece in the makings!
You need to know your girl's willingness to engage in a two-girl/one-guy threesome pretty early in a relationship -- like the first date. If she doesn't want to get involved in such a thing, then you have my permission to get up from the table and just leave her in the restaurant. Don't forget to leave her twenty dollars to serve as her cab ride home. But if she really wants to please her man in this threesome, then shove some drinks dowm her throat and hit the nearest strip joint.
And finally, New Rule: Abstinence pledges makes you horny. In a setback for the morals/values crowd, a new eight-year study released showed that American teenagers who take virginity pledges wind up with just as many STDs as the other kids. But that's not all. "Taking the pledge" also makes a teenage girl SIX TIMES more likely to perform oral sex and four times more likely to allow ANAL. Whick leads me to an important question: where were these pledges when I was in high school?
When I was a teenager, the only kids having anal sex, were the ones who missed. My idea of lubrication was oiling my bike chain. If I had known I could've been getting porn-star sex the same year I took Algebra 2 -- simply by joining the Christain right -- I would've been down with Jesus so much, they would have to pry me out of the pew.
And, let me tell you, there are worse things than teenagers having sex. Namely, teenageres NOT having sex. Here's something you'll never hear: "That suicide bomber blew himself up because he was having too much sex. Sex, sex, sex, nonstop, all that crazy Arab ever had was sex, and look what happened." But among the puritans today, the less said to kids about sex, the better. Because people who talk about peepees are "potty mouths."
And so, armed with limited knowledge, and believing that regular, vaginal intercourse to be either immaculate or filthy dirty -- these kids did with their pledge what everyone does with contracts. They found loopholes. Two of them, to be exact.
Is there any greater irony than the fact that the Christain right actually got their precious little daughters to say to their freshly-scrubbed boyfriends, "Please, I want to remain pure for my wedding night, so only in the ass ... And then I'll blow you, I promise." Well, at least these kids are really thinking outside the box.
I want everyone to share their thoughts on what I've just said. Did you agree? Did you disagree? What were your thoughts?
Posted Sun Mar 12, 2006 06:07 PM
Ladies, if your man wanted another man in the mix with you, how would you react? Wouldn't you have questions about his sexual orientation? I'm being serious about this.
And about the part where Bill said he should leave her the $20.00 for her cab ride home, I found that to be hilarious. I guess that's what most guys would want to do, but are afraid to say something about that. Chances are pretty likely that he had said something along those lines to his male buddies.
Bill, where did you come up with these rules? I think they're great!
Posted Sun Mar 12, 2006 06:22 PM
The cab thing proves what a pig a man can be. How would u like to be dumped at the first date when I realise u r not likely to satisfy me in bed?
Posted Sun Mar 12, 2006 06:30 PM
But Bill, you are a funny writer, if a tad sexist (at least in these articles.) The adult Dave Barry?
Posted Sun Mar 12, 2006 06:38 PM
What about you dumping me on the first date if I'm not likely to satisfy you? We'll then, let it be. The door is right there for you to walk out on me. You think I will sweat that? Take a second guess, baby. The answer is no. I won't sweat it. I'll laugh it off. Besides, if you do walk out on me, then you must me out of your freaking mind.
Every man is a pig in a certain way. Let's not pretend this is news to all women. It's just the facts of life.
Posted Sun Mar 12, 2006 07:15 PM
But "second guess" couldn't have responded any better that what I would've.
A tad sexist, "the artist formally known as" asked? EVERYONE -- male and female -- has their moments when he, or she, can become a tad sexist. This Nina chick was a tad sexist when she accused men of being pigs. Nothing new to me.
Anyhow, I will always stand by what I say.
Make sure everyone tunes in by the end of the week for more new rules.