Looking for a little female advice...
Posted Fri Apr 09, 2010 12:08 AM
Here's my problem in a nutshell... I'm super shy, hate talking about anything personal in a workplace environment (thanks both to my shyness & problems at other jobs in the past), have never been good with relationships, & am in love with a co-worker, but she's got a boyfriend & seems to be happy in her current relationship. And when I say in love, I mean that as in, I feel that I've finally met a woman I would want to marry, raise a family, & grow old with.
We have a good working relationship, & I'm confident that things from my point of view won't change no matter how bad things went, but I'm about 12-14 years older than her & I don't want to weird her out & potentially ruin things by laying it all on the table so to speak. I see her only for a few minutes a day, but those few minutes are the highlight of my day, I've had some pretty bad days before going into work, but as soon as I see her I have a smile on my face & feel better, even if just for a few minutes. I've also gotten mixed signals from her in the past... not that I'm any good at reading such things. Things like asking directly about my feelings on marriage, children, relationships, etc... & I'm pretty sure she was aware of my age at that time because her good friend & boss is my age & had asked me when I graduated & said 'oh, so we're the same age' while she was present. But she's completely blown off any party invites I've sent her way (for her & anyone she wants to bring along), opting instead to hang with the few non-work friends she has. However, she was married at that time (which I found out later), so I don't know if that's part of why she blew me off.
I know that a few minutes a day doesn't give a lot of time to get to know somebody, but what I do know about her tells me she's an incredible person, smart (very important to me, I need a woman who can keep up with me mentally), beautiful, many of the same likes & dislikes including movies, music, & outdoor activities. Of course because I only see her briefly each day, I didn't find out that she had divorced till after she already had a new boyfriend... but I also found out that in the interim, she had asked some of my co-workers about me on days that I was off... So I'm conflicted, should I just keep my mouth shut & leave things as they are & hope I can move on at some point in the future, or should I tell her how I feel & let the cards fall as they may.
So I guess what I'm asking is... from the female perspective, would you rather know that a co-worker with whom you have a good working relationship is in love with you even if you aren't interested in the slightest, or would you rather go on not knowing, and how do you think knowing might affect your working relationship?
Posted Fri Apr 09, 2010 03:19 AM
Second of all, when you are in love with someone whom you really don't know on an intimate level, it clouds your perception of every little thing they do or say. We've all been there, don't worry.
So I'm going to stick with the facts: 1) She is in a stable relationship (and she appears to be happy 2) She works with you.
If I put myself in her shoes, I certainly wouldn't want you to "lay it all out". However...
You can probably tell her things in the context of a conversation such as, "you are really impressed by her for reason x,y,z" or "her boyfriend is really lucky to have her" or that "you think she's a great catch for reasons x, y, z" (give specific reasons that mostly have to do with her personality and intelligence and not, say, her body parts---I'm sure you know that, lol). These are probably the strongest indicators of interest that you can give short of asking someone out.
I'm saying this from experience because at my old job, this happened to me in a similar manner. Now I sorta considered it a no-no because this person was superior to me (not directly) but still a superior nonetheless. However we were still able to continue a professional relationship, because I didn't really see him that often, etc. I will admit to being creeped out because he was older, married with kids, etc.
Now I'm going to tell you the worst case scenario from my perspective. And that's when another colleague started making inappropriate comments, escalating to the point of calling me his mistress in front of other workers---very unprofessional!!! And he was married and I was NOT his damn mistress!!!!
Now I don't have to tell you that this made me very uncomfortable. But this is the person you don't want to be. And when I say "that person" I mean a person who has crossed the line at work and made someone uncomfortable. You must factor in that you might be crossing a line, even if that is not your intent, even if you are polite, respectful and discreet. The line that you'd be crossing is her line, not yours. And you don't know where her line is.
Well, this probably didn't help you much so maybe other women will answer. Good luck!
This post has been edited by cocoa70: Fri Apr 09, 2010 03:27 AM
Posted Sat Apr 10, 2010 02:48 PM
Actually a different perspective is exactly what I was looking for, & is what you've provided. And NO, I would definitely NOT be "that person", & neither of us are in a position where one could potentially be in charge of the other or influence the others job in any way other than me quitting & making her work life hell for 8 - 12 weeks & I just simply couldn't do that to her. So perhaps I should hint around that someone else needs to learn her job so that in the event that things don't go well, I can have my replacement already trained. This is something that is sorely needed anyway.... I mean if she's out of state on vacation & I get deathly sick, seriously injured, or simply can't make it in for whatever reason, the company is pretty much screwed which is how I would pitch the idea.<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">
Posted Tue Apr 20, 2010 06:22 AM
not to mention it is a great chance to have a longer time with her to talk, but keep it fairly professional.
as a woman i will tell you that lots of us are offended and/or frightened by love professed to us at a stage that we might consider premature, because usually it is fair to assume that the man doesn't know enough about the actual 'me' to be actually 'in love' so either he's planning to burdon me with the weight of his 'fantasy me'... or else it's just mostly a physical attraction and he's too delusional as a person to realize it, or he's just out and out lying to me because he thinks that is what i want to hear- he's willing to say it, to get me in the sack.
i'm not saying that what you are experiencing isn't real. maybe it is, but good luck convincing her of that right off the bat. honestly, you would have more luck going for it from just a physical attraction level, approaching it from that angle and then slowly letting it bloom into something more, as you got to know her better. it makes us women feel like we won you over, it makes you a catch.
i know that she won you over,over time, it's just that she wasn't a party to it, so probably doesn't even know she did it.. gotta reinact it, offer her the part in the reinactment, of playing herself. getting to participate in the man falling for you, will allow you the chance to fall for him silmultanously. any man who is already in love with me before i've even decided whether or not i would sit next to him on any form of public transportation, does not have a chance with me. i like a challenge, and i would venture to say that most of us do.
whether or not you know more about your jobs, when you approach her, speak to her as an equal and make sure not to let on that you've been protecting her from this workload, or that you've been making sacrifices for her.. it will seem like a lame attempt to inspire loyalty or guilt.
be fresh, confident, and strong, and imply that you've been considering taking a skip along the path less traveled and if the wind were to blow you in that direction, you are privy to some knowledge that it would behoove her, in the long run to know.
ask her her opinion on whether or not someone else in the company should be being trained to help you both out. . show her that the two of you are on a team and that you have her back, because you think she seems like a woman whose got her shit together, and you like that.
that's a good start. remember, you probably don't want to become too good of friends, just build a trusting, working partnership, kid, be playful and don't dump a whole 15 years worth of past garbage on her or let on that you are lonely and looking to get married or anything like that.
and as a safety, i'd date some women to keep my mind of her until her relationship fizzles, and that way if her relationship never does fizzle, well, your not sad, old, alone, grumpy guy.
but she will feel far more comfortable around you if you're not single single single. don't get in a relationship, but do date. it's healthy.
Posted Wed Apr 21, 2010 02:43 AM
More GREAT food for thought.
To touch on a couple things you mentioned. She already knows that I do a lot of her work that she hasn't learned yet, unfortunately, there's little that can be done to change that right now, & she's already in agreement that someone else should learn the job.
I actually know quite a bit about her, she's told, mentioned, or hinted at her likes, dislikes, & much more both while I was initially training her & in the time since, (so much so that I feel I know her almost as well as I know my best friend of 22 years) while at the same time trying to get personal information out of me. Unfortunately, I pretty much let her make assumptions instead of just comming out & saying "hey, I'm really not comfortable talking about this stuff at work"... never had that problem with other people I've worked with (telling them I'm not comfortable) till I met her though...
Physical attraction aspect... I'm definitely lacking when it comes to that, not that I'm grossly overweight or physically deformed, I'm about 20lbs overweight after loosing almost 20lbs since I first met her, but I was definitely not blessed in that department, though I always feel much better about myself whenever I see Ron Jeremy
You've described me without even knowing me I always seem to like the taken ones, not intentionally, just works out that way, & the few that weren't I quickly learned weren't for me. I don't know... maybe what I'm looking for is far to strict for my own good, but I pretty much suck when it comes to the dating scene. So, I'm sad (except when I see/talk to her), old(er), painfully alone, & occasionally grumpy, & what's worse, I'm kind of okay with that, even though I'm sick & tired of being that way.
If our relationship never progressed beyond what it currently is, I'd be okay with that, even though I would always want more... I'm more afraid of loosing what little bit of a relationship we do have, like all of my failed & short-lived past relationships.
Posted Wed Apr 21, 2010 09:05 PM
i know that the dating scene is a tuff place to be, but i'm a big fan of people taking the control back in their lives, and by control, what i mean is driving your mind, not letting your mind drive you. our brains are tools, they are not us. we as people are a combination of things. our brains have a tendency to maintain myopic focus on topics that will drive us crazy.. we need to control and broaden our concepts. we need to learn to think in a way that increases our odds of receiving what is positive. like if you were a man that needed $3500 to buy the guitar you'd always dreamed of, and someone gave you a genie and a lamp and just one wish. you could ask for the guitar, or the $3,500, and if a man was so myopic on the goal, you may have done just that, run down and get your guitar. or you could have asked to be a wealthy man, and had your guitar and wealth to boot, or you could have asked for abundance in all the areas of life pertaining to your happiness, including abundance in fortune, abundance in love, abundance in luck, abundance in friendship, sex, hair for godssake, whatever would float your boat.
i think it is in the nature of the human to grossly underestimate our own power of creation through thought, therefore we don’t endeavor to control our thoughts as well as we ought to. when i suggest to you that you start dating, it is a suggestion to broaden your thought and focus.. because, believe it or not, we are our own genies sometimes... and were you to get your wish, and have this girl, there is no real guarantee that she is what, in fact, would make you happy..! she could make you miserable, what if she snores like a herd of elephants and is thousands and thousands of dollars in debt and has 30 cats that piss on the carpet, and has been being pen palls with an inmate that is going to get out in 6 mos and wants to kill you, and well i could go on.. but for the sake of streamlined thought.. wouldn't it be much better to focus not on her, but rather on preparing yourself for, and making yourself available to A FUTURE relationship wherein you intend to be abundantly happy and comfortable, and when it presents itself you are ready. Dating dating dating. i'm not asking you to give up this girl, in fact i believe that your chances would increase with her as your horizons broadened.
it's funny but i swear...
Posted Thu Apr 22, 2010 01:51 AM
Thanks! As to the questions... it's mostly the environment of being at work that makes me uncomfortable... have I ever been married, is marriage in my future, do I have kids, do I want kids, am I currently dating, among others.
Very true, but that's true of any & every relationship at it's on-set, I'd love the opportunity to find out for myself one way or the other... & I could live with snooring