Curious female friend interested in experimenting with my wife
Posted Sat Apr 10, 2010 09:32 AM
But, the other day, a lifelong "on again-off again" female friend of hers added me on BB messenger and we tossed some messages back and forth. I'm planning my wife's upcoming birthday party in a couple of weeks and I was asking her for some help putting some plans in place. She said she'd probably be staying the night at our place (she's driving in from 20 miles away and doesn't have a S/O to drive her home afterwards). I made some off-the-cuff remark about me having to sleep on the couch that night and she said "great, I get your bed with your wife then".
We chatted a bit longer and learned that she's a little on the "curious" side and has always been attracted to my wife and only my wife for many, many years. My wife, on the other hand, is not real open minded and has never (to my knowledge) fooled around with another woman. I'm getting the feeling her friend may be setting her up for an evening of "let's see what happens...or doesn't happen".
Part of me is worried that it could destroy a long-term friendship but the other part of me is thinking that if my wife has any curiosities of her own (that she's not sharing) that she may lose her inhibitions after drinking that night (she gets very horny when drinking, as do most women) and decide to play around a bit, which would to me be very hot.
If it happened and I wasn't invited, I'd be ok with that. If it happened and I was invited to watch only, I'd be ok with that too. If it happened and her friend wants me to be involved and my wife says "no", I'd be ok with that as well.
Not really looking for advice here, just maybe some feedback from people who have been through something similar (male or female). Are there any telltale physical or verbal signs to look for that night as to whether or not it may happen? I'm illiterate when it comes to body language and verbal cues.
Posted Sat Apr 10, 2010 06:07 PM
This post has been edited by mothx: Sat Apr 10, 2010 06:10 PM
Posted Sat Apr 10, 2010 08:21 PM
I've already told her friend that my wife isn't into women and never really has been, or so I've been told. Who knows, maybe deep down or somewhere along her past she has messed around before but doesn't feel secure telling me or just has it buried so deep that it will never see the light of day again.
I think I'll just sit back and let whatever happens happen and if I'm asked to stay out of it, I will happily do so. If I'm asked to join in, I'll happily do so but only at the request of my wife and not the friend.
Posted Sun Apr 11, 2010 05:36 AM
Posted Sun Apr 11, 2010 07:12 AM
You told her the truth, you informed her of a possible rejection and you are aware of possible scenarios - I think there is nothing more to add here, just tell us how it all turned out. The truth is that a lot of women "experiment" with other women in college etc. but never reveal the fact because they are made to think their husbands would think this would make them not as good "marriage material". I know, it sounds harsh and is obviously not true but the societal pressure is also harsh and blind to human rights (e.g. the right to personal happiness) when it shows its true face ;-) The whole thing is sometimes called "bi until graduation" - google it ;-) So this is why your wife may hesitate to tell you and I also think this is why the encounter, if it really happens, may first be just kissing and not doing the scissors and rubbing their bodies immediately
This post has been edited by mothx: Sun Apr 11, 2010 07:14 AM
Posted Sun Apr 11, 2010 07:19 AM
More and more I think her conservative approach to sex and eroticism has been fuelled by a past that is checkered somewhat. Kind of like making up for all the so-called "mistakes" she feels she has made.
Time to sit back and organize the party and let whatever happens happen. It's a win-win no matter how I look at it from my perspective!
Posted Sun Apr 11, 2010 08:28 AM
I think she only meant the last item on your list Not many women have encounters with multiple partners, it is more difficult for them than you think. Those who do, either have it accidentally at some kind of party or plan it with their bf as a 3-some. In the first case it usually works, in the latter case it often ends up as some kind of disaster due to bf's jealousy issues etc. As for large number of previous partners - does it matter at all? Any woman can get as many partners as she wants, they are not immersed in a world of socially regulated default rejection as we are. For them it is nothing special to get laid, they are not looking for getting it at all but for actually getting a good one and are usually disappointed so they have extended periods of time when they just quit. For me personally it is more gratifying to know that she chose me out of a hundred and I am outstanding in a large group than to think she chose me because she is just beginning and I am the best in a group of 5 guys
But are there any mistakes to make in the first place? Since she was a teenager she was probably constantly told by her mother or some stupid magazines or whatever that her future husband whoever that might be will not accept certain things - which is not true but she thinks so and even if you tell her that you are open she may not trust it because this general thought about husbands had been so deeply engraved in her mind. It would be another thing if you actually proved that you are open indirectly, not by SAYING "I'm open" but by DOING something that proves you are indeed an open and loving husband and do not treat her as some kind of property or commodity.
Still, the funny thing is your wife doesn't know about all this and she may or may NOT be additionally attracted to women and may or may NOT have previous experience with them All these complications because of the repressive and manipulative societal crap whose existence so many people would rather deny than admit they had been manipulated in a sense. Anyway, it is too late to do anything in this regard.
I hope the friend will play safe and won't do something stupid like grabbing her straight away If you just don't know it is always safe to create some kind of double-sided situation. For example, the female friend, if she is careful indeed, instead of attempting a kiss, will probably just try to sit on her couch next to her etc. If she accepts, the female friend will know she may proceed, if she rejects - well, she has been rejected and the rejection would be stronger and escalate if any further attempts followed.
Just a small but IMPORTANT tip: if your wife rejects she should not find out that you knew about the female friend's plan all along. She will then think that you both wanted to make fun of her and this will damage your marriage. If your wife rejects, you should also start having a negative attitude to the female friend by showing how "shocked" you are (but don't exaggerate of course). The female friend will understand and your wife won't get any false ideas. I hope it all turns out well and you will simply enjoy a birthday party in any way that your wife will deem appropriate.
This post has been edited by mothx: Sun Apr 11, 2010 08:41 AM
Posted Sun Apr 11, 2010 08:58 AM
I have told her this many times...that I'm quite happy she chose me to spend her life with over the others, regardless of how many she was "with". As for her societal issues, I think she comes from the type of background where it was seen as "bad" to be the type to sleep with guys just for the sake of sleeping with them (ie. casual sex), but did it under the cover of darkness anyway. Now that she's past that phase of her life, she doesn't want to be open to talking about it, even though she knows I am secure with her past and, truthfully, get turned on by the prospect of hearing about her sexual conquests.
Posted Sun Apr 11, 2010 09:29 AM
You said it Hefieldrocks and not me - and yet there are people who completely deny the very fact that such backgrounds still exist and that such backgrounds are trying to enforce certain ideas upon women. While the truth is that a woman does not live her early life in isolation but is heavily influenced by her family who make her think she is powerless compared to them and that her very survival depends on her accepting the choices they prefer, however backwards and harmful for her feelings those choices might be. Of course not all families are like that and it is not a matter of what country one lives in, as different kinds of families and attitudes may be observed within one single country.
Still, what I am trying to say is that there are still folks who treat their daughters as another way to expand their wealth and always try to marry them off to someone significantly wealthier than they are themselves and do not even realize they will not have any direct wealth expansion out of this anyway and they are basically sending their child to live a lie for the rest of her life.
So, I think your wife is particularly fortunate to be married to you as this marriage will become therapy of the mental harm that had been done to her in the past. And you show a lot of understanding and thinking, you never jump to conclusions and you are not forcing her to act any way that for now hits a wall of preset and preprogrammed inhibitions based on mental engravings. Her inhibitions will wear off with time, just do not force it.
And one more thing: women are intelligent despite all the abominal attempts that have been made to turn them into mindless "servants", so she will catch a lot of things immediately if something goes wrong, don't be surprised by that. She must never find your txt messages about the bi attempt plan on your phone nor on your computer. The same societal training that gave her inhibitions also damaged her self-esteem and her ego. She will get false ideas and think you have secret relations with the female friend and planned something that was supposed to hurt her while the exact opposite is true. Unfortunately this is how mental training works, it hurts a person on many levels and leaves them with bias and insecurities. But again, I hope everybody is reasonable and the party will just be a birthday party where you will all simply have fun, whatever your wife decides.
This post has been edited by mothx: Sun Apr 11, 2010 09:33 AM
Posted Sun Apr 11, 2010 09:34 AM
I will not be pushing her in any direction. Whatever she decides to do she will decide to do and I'm just going along for the ride, so to speak.