Discussing new techniques with wife
Posted Sun May 09, 2010 05:39 PM
Posted Sun May 09, 2010 09:40 PM
First, get the pregnancy thing cleared up. How old is she and how long has it been since her last period? Her gyn might have told her that she CAN still become pregnant. you need to ask her to be honest.
Then you need to sit down and have an honest talk with her about her concerns, your concerns. 37 years is nothing to sneeze at, as I know you know.
And, remember that for most women, menopause means dryness, and for some women that dryness isn't just about sex, but all the time, and it is uncomfortable. And she may be feeling less than lovely to you, even though you love her no less than the day you married her. Lots of emotional things with menopause, and menopause doesn't just "stop" after a year or some given time line...it is different for everyone.
I think a good discussion will help lots. that is what I would want from my husband. Really.
And after you've been honest and open with one another and discovered all of her inhibitions and feelings, then maybe think about adding new things. Come on back and let us know and we'll share some ideas with you. There are plenty, of course (I'm just finding out myself!!) but there are good ways and bad ways of introducing them. I can't emasculate my husband, and you can't de-feminize your wife. So we tread lightly and go slowly. Lots of ideas here, been talking and learning and reading. And, frankly, seeing a therapist for something totally different but I have asked her how to deal with my husband's lack of interest and she has given me some good advise.
Best to you.
Posted Sun May 09, 2010 09:47 PM
The only idea I'd add is that she ask her gynecologist about going on the Pill, even if she's going through or has gone through menopause. My mom is going through menopause but still has unpredictable periods and is on the Pill. I don't know if there's an age limit or if a woman can be "too old" to go on the Pill, but she could definitely ask her gynecologist, and if she's able to go on the Pill, then maybe she'll be more open to leaving the condoms out of your sex life because she won't be worried about pregnancy.
Posted Sun May 09, 2010 10:06 PM
Backcheck, I appreciate that you're trying to help, but there's no way I would suggest to her that I would look elsewhere. I love her with all my heart. Unfortunately, sex has been tough for me too, as I'm on some medication that makes it tough to maintain an erection for any length of time. Makes penetration difficult. I need lots of stimulation, and I'd love to try some new spicey techniques. She's pretty conservative, so I find it a little difficult to approach her about them. I don't think I could just say to her "how about letting me lick your clit". (Much as I'd like to!)
This post has been edited by Cary: Sun May 09, 2010 10:07 PM
Posted Mon May 10, 2010 10:16 AM
From reading the little you have written (in your first and subsequent post), it really does sound like communication is your problem, rather than anything physical.
In our experience, the only way to take our sexual relationship to a new level has been to talk, talk, talk. You have to talk it through until you get to the best solution for you both - and if you really love each other you should be able to find a way. It means being frank and honest and having the courage to explain in detail what you want, without shame. That's YOU as much as HER.
We're in our late forties and have been married (and always in love) for nearly 23 years. Our sex has been great and quite adventurous. We've tried just about everything a man and a woman can do together - and still do lots of different, spicy, kinky things - but even we could see that we needed to spice things up and try new, more daring things to keep it fresh (and lack of spontaneity is a factor for us, too, because of our family situation).
The proof that it works is not in the fact that we have come up with some radical (but fun) ways to spice it up (which have been truly exhilarating), but because on those days when either of us (usually my wife) just isn't in the mood, a cuddle is a joy, not a mere consolation.
Send us a PM if you want more details.
Posted Mon May 10, 2010 09:12 PM
Posted Mon May 10, 2010 10:58 PM
I suggest you shoot for incremental changes, little steps here and there try to make it casual and fun but don't put any pressure. Also, don't focus too much on the sex act itself, play around, if sex happens great, but it shouldn't be the goal every time.
Try some casual nudity, naked breakfasts, then maybe skinny dipping or nude hot tubbing, and work up to a visit a nude beach or resort. This will help per become more comfortable. You can they try watching porn together (is there a porn channel that you can subscribe to?), or reading erotic novels or stories. Talk about masturbation, or better yet, do it with each other. You can also try sex toys, using them together or on your own.
Posted Tue May 11, 2010 10:11 AM
my vote is to just do it. if she's 60 and has never experienced that, it'll make her life complete.
this could be very easy for you if she is a heavy sleeper. i understand its very difficult to persuade the older generations to do new things but I think it's great you are trying. she's not going to leave you over it after 37 years of headaches though!
and yeah i wouldn't be looking outside the marriage for some sex.. that's probably incredibly hurtful
Posted Fri May 14, 2010 09:22 AM
Maybe she's more open to your suggestions than you might think.
Just go for it, Cary. At least the subject has been introduced. It has been said a million times here, but communication is key. Continue talking about this issue and keep the lines of communication open.