Getting into new relationships dealing with old baggage
Posted Fri Jun 11, 2010 12:07 PM
I won't kid anyone (especially myself) by saying that I'm perfectly fine now, but I'm certainly in good enough shape to have started to build new relationships (one in particular), and begin to dust myself off and pick myself up.
The thing is, I've recently come to realize that I seem to have become rather "paranoid" about relationships. I know intellectually that those feelings are stupid, and it really is a type of paranoia. Things are good. Perfect, actually. Not too serious, but not completely casual... exactly what I want. so... why the hell am I scared shitless, emotionally? Really, the answer to that exact question is plain as day, but the real question is something like "how do I stop it?" At least I recognize problem, which is certainly a start (and simply acknowledging it seems to have helped somewhat), but... any suggestions?
Posted Fri Jun 11, 2010 01:27 PM
Posted Fri Jun 11, 2010 01:29 PM
Posted Fri Jun 11, 2010 02:36 PM
Sure, you don't want to be hurt again. Not so paranoid....more just guarded perhaps? and for good reason. If you jumped in with all your clothes on (LOL) I'd be more concerned for you than if you are guarded.
I would ask you to think about what it was that went wrong in your marriage, both your part in it and hers. That gives you a start as to what you DON'T want in a relationship, and when you acknowledge that (which you have, I'm certain) than you are less guarded about that particular set of things in this new relationship, right? So examine the things that made you hurt so much, that caused the anger and the depression and maybe make a list. Determine one item at a time if the person you are thinking of entering into a relationship with meets the criteria.
I know it sounds clinical and at the moment I have to run, but this is what I would do in your situation.
Posted Fri Jun 11, 2010 03:20 PM
I don't know whether it's a good thing or bad thing, but take me for example.
I was in a relationship, met him when i was far too young. He was insecure, jealous, and rather controlling. I never got to live my life from when i met him (16), until even now. My entire adult life as i knew it was spent in this suffocating relationship. Our lives are still entangled, i'm still pretty "Trapped" - but i've started to move on and finally live, even if i have him on my back all the time.
Now, i'm very picky. If anyone shows me insecure or jealous tendencies, i don't even want to speak to them let alone have a relationship with them (friendship, sexual or otherwise).
My first relationship coming out of the above longterm one, i ran into the same problems. Lack of trust, insecurities, jealousy. That didn't last, and made me even more firm in my resolve.
However, i wish i wasn't so scared. I met a guy that treated me like shit and wanted nothing to do with me, and I liked it because it meant he wasn't going to control me. Sad, isn't it?
Don't be too guarded, don't be too paranoid. Easier said than done i know, and it's fine to put up some walls to better protect your vulnerable parts (ie your heart and mind). But don't do what i did and end up going from one extreme to the other because neither extreme is very much fun.
Posted Fri Jun 11, 2010 09:01 PM
What makes it hard for dateing is its a catch 22, it happens to both men and ladies, we get hurt too many times and find it hard to trust and worry that a new gf/bf might be cheating as it seems like the norm and thats sad.
Jealousy will get everyone nowhere at all. Thinking that your S.O. is cheating all the time is just going to make you crazy.
As I myself have just wasted the last 5 years of my life with a lady who said she loved me and wanted kids with me decides that she no longer wants to be in a relationship, she moves back to her home city and then 4 weeks latter shes got a new guy?! WTF. Ive had to accept that even tho I loved her, I cant have her and shes not loyal anyway.
Im old fashioned when it comes to relationships, I like to get to know the lady first and when I do decide I like her then its for keeps. I dont do one night stands, Ive always wanted to just find the one special lady and setttle down.
Trust, loyalty, respect, communication and true love are so hard to find these days.
Still we all have to have hope and smile to that next person who might see us for the catch we are.
Posted Fri Jun 11, 2010 09:57 PM
OK, in order:
If anything, I'm probably a bit too self aware. That's actually what part of the problem here is, that I pretty much know what happened. Now I'm simply concerned about repeating history (one way or another), because I think that the issue with my marriage involves a (fairly well established) personality trait. The guarded-ness is exactly the problem, really.
Thanks Lyrical, I appreciate the comments. As you said yourself, your own situation is slightly different, but the similarities are apparent enough that your input is certainly appreciated. What really struck home for me what the comment "But don't do what i did and end up going from one extreme to the other".
That's exactly the way I am too. I've been purposefully working at being more casual, which has paid some dividends, but I just cant do the one night stand sort of thing. That's fine though, as I'm happy enough without them (besides... there's less drama involved if you just watch porn. lol).
Posted Fri Jun 11, 2010 11:10 PM
I think I'm a rather trustful person... I give the benefit of the doubt unless facing evidence or unequivocal signs that someone is trying to play with me. I find that trust (or distrust) is a self-fullfilling prophecy when you apply it to others. There are never guarantees with other people, so I trust them, and for the most part it turns out okay. I usually start with little things, then bigger and bigger and so on; but never to the point that is going to be a burden for the other person; otherwise, I feel I'm becoming dependant.
Of course I don't like to end up with one nighters, but if it turns out that way, I accept it. I will definitely not try to force a situation at all, and even though I may feel rejected at times, people have the right to decide who they want to be with, and this is also true in a casual settings, so it's fair. I really don't mind going out with somebody else afterwards, and to be honest, I think I'm a lot better now at judging character than when I started dating. and a lot more picky for sure. If I may resume my last two years, I've had a great deal of fun... more so than ever in my life. At the moment, there are no signs of anyone appearing and sweeping me off my feet, so I just keep enjoying myself.
I believe it's all an exercise in becoming comfortable under one's own skin. So, I really don't ponder the relationship question anymore. If it comes knocking at my door, I may answer and if it doesn't, then I'm alright too.
This post has been edited by Olive: Fri Jun 11, 2010 11:12 PM
Posted Sat Jun 12, 2010 12:00 AM
LyricalOne, Actaeon, Olive - you are all coming from different places and you are all so self-aware....very refreshing to see.
Posted Sat Jun 12, 2010 09:44 AM
This is rather simple.. if you don't trust them.. DON'T TRUST THEM! Trust is earned, it's built up from nothing. So don't trust anyone until you find they are trustworthy.
Don't give yourself arm, limb, heart and brain to someone. Give them your brain, talk deep meaningful conversation. Be inquisitive, analyze their personality. Fakeness goes that way --->. Then give your erect limb, or heart, whichever suits your fancy, but don't let someone hold you by it for them to crush.
I think it's better to be a heart breaker than heart broken.
I give advice like the following often; when in doubt, trust your instincts. Be paranoid. But conceal it, put up a front until you are ready to take that guard down. act how you wish you were, but feel secure inside.
I'm a paranoid person myself, not with my girlfriend (ok, sometimes my mind wanders) but with basically everything else in my life. I think i'm going to get fired, I think i'm going to lose my money in the stock market, I feel like i'm going to fail school, etc, but I stay composed and still go to work, invest, and study, and I use the paranoia to my advantage to push myself and stay smart, observant, and inquisitive. And it's working out well, despite all the talking to myself I do.