Trouble getting ERECTION on FIRST NIGHT with a Girl Sexual Problem
Posted Mon Jun 14, 2010 08:52 AM
Whenever I am in bed with a girl for out first time together I find it hard to get an erection, I basically many times have NOT got hard, and that opportunity for sex has gotten away from me. Now these instances have been basically the only night we have been in bed together, whether a one night stand or what I thought was gonna be the first of many nights with a girlfriend.
I have problems here which I hope you guys can help with.
I have no trouble getting an erection with a girlfriend once I have started to sleep with them, it isn't the first night obviously and I've become comfortable with them. So that's not the issue. The FIRST NIGHT is the problem.
I've had this problem in the past but it is only until recently that I met a girl who I thought there might be a relationship with. We ended up in bed together on the first date (we met twice before though). Played about in bed, my dick refused to get hard. We stopped seeing each other a while later for many reasons why people do.
Yet I can't help but think that my poorformance in bed dick wise had something to do with this. Now she was very forward flirt wise and is a pushy person when it comes to anything physical. She makes the move to snog with me all the time for one thing. I all gives me the POSSIBLE impression that she might have been pushing for sex on the first night, a bit of a nymphomaniac or sex crazed person MAY have been inside her. The way she would talk about sexual things quite openly or shockingly forward etc gives me this impression.
So I think me not giving her what she wanted in bed was part of why we 'split up' or didn't become a proper boyfriend/girlfriend.
So enough is enough. I am sick and tired of not getting hard with a girl on the first night. Why is this? I admit I get scared, I get nervous, when I'm with her or with another girl on the first night, I actually want them to tell me to stop when we are playing about foreplaying. Sometimes I'm like "I want to fuck her, just not now". Or I'm not in the mood properly, not sexually up for it or excited. Or if it' late at night and we've been drinking, I'm simply tired.
But mostly it's nerves. OK - FEAR. What many problems we have in life are about - Fear. I'm scared of many things, how'll perform etc. I also find it hard to get an erection if I'm not relaxed because of the mental connection we have. I'm not at ease with her because of how we 'connect'. A bit intimidated that this girl is a sex mad expert and demands more than I can give and if not, she'll kick me out of bed. Or the nearest thing, stop what we're doing an sleep, and then not want me to see her again - "He's shit in bed".
This could be for all girls we're talking about here.
But yeah, there it is, I've got many barriers in my way stopping me from getting a hard on. I am going though my mind of how to get through them, ow my attitude in bed needs to change or how my sexual persona needs to change, become more dominant etc but get turned on by it.
I've called some advice lines and seen a sexual health doctor who is arranging me to see an Expert of Erection problems, but heh I still need more help from you guys.
I blame myself for so many things why me and the recent girl stopped seeing each other (it was her call) and my poorformance in bed was one of them. She basically said that it wasn't, but I don't believe her. I'm cynical about girls but that don't mean I'm wrong about them. I think Mr Floppy Face was a contributing factor.
Now I know you may say that this is a common problem, don't blame the girl(s) for thinking this and that or that they should have even helped me get hard in bed more etc. I. don't. CARE! I just want, I NEED help, getting to the heart of this problem and stopping it from ever happening again.
I need to get hard with whoever I'm in bed with, whether I even fancy them or not, and get past ANY problem that stops me from getting an erection. I've lost between 5-10 shags 'cos of this problem and me being a disappointment to girls that I really like, that's something I REFUSE to forgive myself for.
So, any help, please tell me people. You've all been great in discussion with other guys, and I really think you're the ones that are gonna help me solve this the best. So I'd really love to hear from you.
Posted Mon Jun 14, 2010 08:59 AM
You've probably heard it a millions times but you need to relax, your clearly paranoid/worried that your not going to perform, the more you worry the worse it gets... your not alone here thats the first thing you need to realise, second thing is just relax, the fact that you can't get hard and just fuck anything shows you care about womens feelings I think.
It shows your a sensitive type but just don't over analyse, if it works it works great, if not then so what, its not the end of the world and if the girl isn't interested then good,shes not worth the time and effort.
Good luck and keep it up
Posted Mon Jun 14, 2010 09:01 AM
Posted Mon Jun 14, 2010 11:43 AM
I've had this happen, it's kinda sweet because I reckon it meant he really liked me--actually I knew for a fact he did and that's why he was so nervous.
I can tell you what the real turn-off is though in this situation. It's not that the guy can't get hard. It's when the guy beats himself up about it and becomes defeated and then pushes sex at weird times because "now it's hard and if we don't do it now we can't do it later" only for it to go limp because he's escalated the mental pressure.
Let me tell you, as a woman, that's just not a pretty thing to witness. Most people have some sexual issues too (can only cum in one position, or some weird quirk about their body, etc) and we're all faking it to some degree until we get comfy, etc.
And yeah, you will run into some immature girls that might be disappointed or what not, but try not to let it get to you. Go at your own pace. Enjoy yourself!
Posted Mon Jun 14, 2010 01:28 PM
Our whole talk of why we split up discussed that I was sorry we didn't shag the first night and that I hoped she didn't split with me because of that, and she basically said that it wasn't and that she had maybe given me the wrong signals inviting me back to her place thinking that it meant she wanted sex and she pointed out also that she didn't want it to go further and she could have stopped me later on if she wanted to. Basically she said that she don't want to have sex then. - But I don't believe her, completely. I reckon she might have said all that to make me feel better, and as I said before, she does give me the impression that she's a bit of a 'go-er' when it comes to sex. But heh I could be over-suspicious (hope so).
The point being still, is that whether she allowed sex or not, I still couldn't get the erection that night either way, if she DID hypathetically want it. And yes, she still felt let own that night I think. And I still can't abide this kinda thing happening again in the future. It ends here.
I know what you mean about not pushing it and how this can make things worse. To further this story more, we did end up in bed together again, and yes, the erection was there before I even knew it. She knew it too. But she was sick that time in bed from drinking too much and was constantly going to the toilet to puke up. So no sex there.
She did say 'thank you for not trying to rape me' in bed as she was sick, so you'd think that that meant something nice about me not pushing for sex the 2nd time round (I would have if she wasn't puking all the time) but the fact that later on she also said that she has fantasies of being semi-raped what not. Well it also makes me think that 'thank you for not trying to rape me' meant in subtext 'Are you gonna make a move to shag me or what?'
Um, getting a bit off the point here I think, or maybe the plot is thickening as maybe my issue was not TRYING to shag hard enough as well as not getting an erection. If so, then I gotta deal with me being possibly 'Lazy' in bed and just wanting to sleep or lie there as opposed to 'OK here we go, better wake up and do what this girl wants'. Maybe this is part of me not getting an erection, on the first night that is. Which is where the problem lies.
Again, if the first night is just that or the only night, I still have trouble getting it hard. Earlier that year I had a similar thing with another girl, she seemed OK with it, and definitely up for seeing me again. But when she didn't reply a text I sent afterwards, maybe this whole lack of erection put her off thinking about seeing and sleeping with me again too. So first night screw ups instead of actual screwing. Still a problem.
I know what you guys mean about relaxing too. Not only should I concentrate on that, but I need to put on a mindset that actually enjoys what I'm doing too. Get rid of a negative barrier, and replace it with a positive one. Easier said than done though, but I need to work on that.
As for forgiving myself, I know what you mean, but I simply can't. But I also choose not to I think this serves as my catalyst to do better, rather than not seizing an opportunity to improve myself, as I really should do. I feed off my pain, if you will. Plus I can't forgive myself as I owe it to her. I can't forgive her too for some things I think she did, but heh if something can come from me not forgiving myself than maybe that means that she has nothing to be forgiven for too, as the big picture had then changed.
This post has been edited by jkpel: Mon Jun 14, 2010 01:33 PM
Posted Tue Jun 15, 2010 02:28 AM
Men kind of have a dual outlook on sex: the reality and the fantasy. Sometimes the fantasy messes them up more than anything.
I agree entirely with the woman who suggested brushing up your oral skills. Learn how to get a woman off with your tongue (one of the easiest and best ways) that way you'll never go home feeling defeated. When your cock works, bang her, when it doesn't use your tongue.
Do you have any movement at all? If you can get semi-hard maybe try using a cock ring for that extra push.
Maybe this is a sign to take things slow. Don't try and bang every girl out there. Get to know them. Build sexual tension up. There's STDs and AIDS and Tranny's out there. You have to be careful. You'd be much better off (and more sexually satified) if you were.
Posted Fri Jun 18, 2010 08:54 AM
Now this thing always makes me go soft and kills the oment and I end up losing the sex with the girl. I hate the damn things. After the condom is on, even when I take it off again and try it without, my penis can't get solid again, all that lubricant etc and what's been one to it by the condom has ruined that chance.
I also should say that I apparently have a thicker girth to my penis especially at the base than my partners have been used to. It makes the condom hard to stay on and also it makes it snap a lot. So - man! Having sex just becomes a physical and practical impossibility with all this work. What can I do about this condom problem as well? It just adds to my already mounted problems.
Posted Fri Jun 18, 2010 02:15 PM
Also, for the record, the first night with my guy was not the best sex out there. We were both drunk and it had its effects. But that was not a problem - we continued past it. Just be honest if you have a problem. Tell her that you're nervous about the first time, and she will probably take it well. Usually, one person being open and honest leads to the other one following suit. And if a girl takes it badly, then she probably isn't someone you want to be with anyway.
Posted Fri Jun 18, 2010 04:12 PM
Posted Wed Jul 14, 2010 06:24 PM
Accept your penis for how it is - I always asked am I big enough? Will she think I am lame if I cum too quick? Remove such questions from your head.
Meditate if you can
Don't focus on sex
Put a condom early on but don't have intercourse. The instant pressure you feel when you put a condom on triggers nervousness because it signifies intercourse in your head. She will expect sex when she sees this but surely women like to be teased. I put it on flaccid and it feels good to feel the penis swell inside it later.
If the woman starts to try to have intercourse, take control pin her down. Do not let her have her way for now. Don't let her dominate you until you are comfortable because it will make you really nervous to lose control.
Most important try this with women, take the lead and lie with her naked spooning her sideways. Tell her to close her eyes and try to breathe in sync with you. Lightly talk to her about clearing her mind, letting all her worries go and how warm and good she feels. Just try to let go and keep lightly caressing, kissing, nibbling her till you feel relaxed (your eyes should be closed so the only places your mouth can reach are her face and head, try not to move too much and start full out making out). You may even lose your erection, no worries. At one point you'll feel the same way as you did when you meditated. Empty mind. Proceed to kiss her now and see how your penis feels and responds. Even lay on top of her as it gets hard, rubbing your penis against a vagina feels good for both of you but more importantly your penis is getting used to touching her vagina and not betraying you. Intercourse then and go slow. If she gets hyper hold her hips,again control her and do what you must do. After some time you won't need to do this cuddle session but it does feel really good.