The most obvious reason is that we (in America, anyway) do not talk openly and honestly about sex- not with parents (we withhold), not with friends (we pose, pretend, exaggerate or just lie), not with lovers (trying to maintain an image of knowing enough, but not too much).
The second reason is that in our society, sex is rarely considered to be mutually consensual: it must be the result of conquest, seduction, coercion, or obligation. The morality/religion police have told us that sex should only be with one person, and that we should be legally married.
Because of the whole no-sex-before-marriage pressure, most young people spent their entire courtship figuring out how to be alone and experiment sexually. Once they marry, and alone time is no longer a problem, filling all the awkward talking time becomes the problem.
Back when I was growing up, I quickly learned that 'sex' was something that girls had, boys wanted, and weren't getting without a fight ("make him work for it, girl"; "well, man? did you score? how far did you get/how far did she let you go?"). This contentious atmosphere doesn't make for open talk about sex.
Third, the morality/religion police among us Americans have convinced us that sex shouldn't be important, although it's used to sell everything from cars to coffee, computers to Coca-Cola. We're told that spouses fighting over money makes more sense than discussing why they're unsatisfied sexually. They have also told women that their only desire for sex should be to attract and marry a man, and to bear children; this is why women, having fulfilled their obligation, enjoy being able to say 'no'. We're actually told to expect sexless marriages after the children are born- it's not important, gang...
Because we're told that a spouse should be all things to us, and that we're supposed to be monogamous, we should be grateful that our husband is a good provider and coaches Little League, but climbs on for three minutes, then falls asleep; you've got a wife that can cook and keeps a spotless house, but will only have sex if you pull up her flannel nightgown in the dark. "More than twice a week? Honestly, we're not rabbits…"
This, I believe, is why we have disparaging terms for anyone with a different sexual outlook: a nymphomaniac is any woman who wants sex more than__ me. A frigid woman is one who wants less sex than__ me...
The only way out of any problem in any relationship, of course, is to talk- say what you think and feel. No need for rudeness or name-calling, but don't sugar-coat either; the other person must be able to feel the importance of what you say.
But I believe that women, despite Women's Lib, ERA and Affirmative Action, still want to be wooed- no matter how long you've been together. So fellas, if your idea of foreplay is 'hey baby, it's been a month since I slid you some salami', I know why she hasn't been swept off her feet.
Sex is not an activity for most women- it's the result of an atmosphere of intimacy. A touch on her back as you pass her in the kitchen; look into her eyes as she talks to you- hold her in your gaze, then let your eyes slowly travel across her body; pour a bath for her, light candles in the bathroom, then after she's soaked a while, come in and offer to wash her back; offer to brush her hair, stealing a kiss on her neck; when you come to dinner, give her a kiss on the forehead for no reason except that she's the one you chose.
Let her know that you don't just want sex, you want her...
This post has been edited by ScottyWright: Fri Sep 10, 2010 03:19 AM