Honerable or just Stupid. Wants to cheat but can't
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:28 AM
I have always done the right thing. I have walked the straight and narrow, and to good fortunes. Honest decision making has left me happy, but not fulfilled. I am not bold enough to force the situation. Being honest and upfront and wearing my emotions on my sleeve has been a surprisingly good deterrent for women. ;-) However, I believe that if the opportunity was to present itself, I would fold like a poor poker player. In my own mind, I am virtuous and honerable. But am I really? Do I even want to be anymore?
Lost in a turmoil of my own making, I offer to you this question, am I honerable or just stupid?
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:46 AM
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:56 AM
"Is what I'm thinking of doing worth what I'd risk loosing to have it" .
Some decisions are that easy .
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:30 AM
The mirror message is exactly why I am here. I have looked at myself and said, you need to do this for you. It seems like it is worth the risk. If at anything at all, to know if I am already satisified and this is just what life is at this stage.
I will entertain the thought of talking about it, but then what suggestions would you have for a "conversation starter"? "I am not happy with you now, so now what?"
Not a nice place to be and I appreciate the feedback.
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:37 AM
The physical allure that juiced us all up in the beginning of a relationship is bound to get stale after a while. You read about this all the time ..."the 7 year itch". It happened to me. Life, kids, jobs, money worries, age, thinning hair, sagging boobs, all these things and more erode the passion that is based on the initial fire. Add to that the familiarity of having sex the same way with the same person all the time in the same ways ...it has to get boring and predictable. So we spice things up with dress and toys etc and that works for a while ... but like drugs you get desensitized to the new and kinky. Soon you need more until eventually the more is outside of the relationship.
This pattern happened to me. There were numerous times in my 30's and early 40's that I was realllllly tempted, but out of love and respect for her I didn't. But I was frustrated to hell. So instead I used porno, I masturbated like hell, I got all kinds of artificial vaginas, and I did some weird stuff solo.
Then when I was about your age, actually I was 43, I discovered this thing called Female Sexuality. I discovered it in a womens sexuality workshop. I learned about what was going on in a woman's head, in her vagina and her body as well as what sex means to a woman psychologically. My eyes were opened.
The discovery of female sexuality put me on a path of erotic discovery that I am still on to this day 16 years later. Along that path I discovered some amazing things about my own sexuality, my own sexual function and my body that I never knew before.
From all of this I can tell you that when the intial physical allure of sex with her wears off it is time to slow down and be mindful. I have said many times on this site that when I was where you were (when I was 43), I stopped fucking my wifes cunt and started fucking her mind.
The sex for the last 16 years has been amazing asa result. Our sex now is driven not by superficial behaviors or appearance but by deep emotions, honest intimacy, psychological understanding of each other, devotion to each other, and the desire to give an adored one pleasure and the intensely satisfying rewards of deep sexual intimacy.
In a nutshell ...it is time to reconnect on a different plane and build your sex life on something deeper and richer than what it was built on before.
I can't say that this will work for everyone but it sure as hell worked for me. I have estimated how many times my wife and I have made love in the last 40 years ... it is over 6,000 times. It just keeps getting better and better and we are doing it more every week now than we did when I was 20 or 30. We must be doing something right.
This post has been edited by tenyn: Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:38 AM
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 02:02 PM
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 02:44 PM
You seem to be genuinely concerned about your kids and their welfare. As Q stated, it is not worth the risk of losing everything you have worked for. I had a situation with ex-wife. We had one child together plus I was taking care of her son and her as well. I don't want to get into too many details but at the time I had thought I already lost my family when I did nothing wrong. Making seven dollars an hour and trying to support the entire family was extremely difficult, but I was doing my best. This was back in 98.
Long story short she left and called to tell me in a nutshell that she wanted a divorce I would never see the kids again. My daughter was only a year old then. Devastated, I hooked up with my neighbor's friend for a bit. She seemed to know how to make me feel better. To this day, I regret getting involved with her.
Now my daughter is thirteen and I don't even know her. My ex-wife always ensured that I would spend either no time or as little as possible. Child support killed me when we first got divorced, and still does. This is the second time my ex left the state with my daughter. And I will probably not see my daughter again until she wants to make a trip up here to see me when she is all grown up. From what I have seen, she is one messed up kid. Think of the kids and the life you have built together.
Just don't risk it and at all cost, stay with your wife... For a conversation starter, tell her you love her and the kids, but have been feeling a little neglected in some aspects of your marriage. Tallk to her about spicing things up... Take a weekend for yourselves if possible to just re-connect with one another.
This post has been edited by Shark25: Sun Oct 03, 2010 02:45 PM
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 04:08 PM
As for the case with children, I guess I am a reasonable person and even though I still have serious communication problems with the father (my ex-husband), I've never involved the children as pawns. They talk to him whenever they want, and this year they will be travelling to spend Christmas with their father. He's been a relatively good father to my children, he just wasn't a good husband to me, and it feels right to be able to separate my issues from the relationship my children have with their father.
So now, I've been single for about 7 years... And really, although not perfect, I find the current state of affairs in my life quite satisfying than when I was in long-term relationships.
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 04:52 PM
So wise of you not to put the kids in the middle of any issues that arise between two former partners. The world is a complicated enough place as it is. I hope that some day you do find companionship somewhere if you haven't already found it.
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 07:20 PM
I'm pretty sure this is more of a curiosity than anything else. The need to have what I can't. I have never liked being told what I could have or couldn't have. But as you and I seem to know, everything has it's price. I'm pretty sure this is a moot point, but it's not my decision anyway. The situation would have to literally throw itself on my lap and only then would there be "a decision" to make. But I sometimes go to bed at night dreaming of that situation. It actually gets my heart pounding, which of course leads to ...sweet dreams.
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 07:30 PM
What were you hoping to hear?
This post has been edited by Abigail: Sun Oct 03, 2010 07:31 PM
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 07:42 PM
I was afraid somebody was going to ask that.
I think I wanted to hear:
[in old man voice]
"Oh I remember when I had to do that. Sure you go out and find you a fancy feast. Enjoy the moment, because once it's done, you'll realize what you have and won't do it again. We all go through it, and it's not as bad as the world makes it out to be."
[end old man voice]
Ha ha, as if. I'm not forward enough and I'm not a womenizer enough to make this happen. So it probably won't. But I will still feel like I'm missing out. Kind of like watching everyone riding around on a rollercoaster that you're too afraid to jump on.
And I will still feel like my honor is not true, since a test never happened.
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 08:35 PM
Posted Mon Oct 04, 2010 06:47 PM
I ask because I feel the same way you do, and I have been diagnosed as having deep depression.
Posted Mon Oct 04, 2010 09:13 PM
I am a constant "improver". I recognized in my late 20's that I was a "glass half empty" guy. I've spent my remaining years so far forcing myself to look at the brighter side of things. I am always trying to make things better. In my career, hobbies, body, mind, finances, art. I am trying to be all I can be. Which may not be much, but at least better than where I was. Yes I may have a negative bias, but it's much better than what I used to be.
It's easy to get depressed in this era. There are many "losers" and not enough "winners". This site can exacerbate this feeling because of some of these young beautiful people and their "exploits". But like in the financial world, business world, and even in the relationship world, nothing is never as it seems. There are lies beyond lies.
But I believe with the right intentions, heart, emotions, and pure will, all things are possible. It's possible chemical imbalances occur, and medical treatment is the only solution. I don't believe that's me. Hopefully, you have found a solution, or at least a solution track, to your problem.
This has everything to do with me wanting something I've never had. Clinging to my youth like a sad puppy who has lost it's mother. When reality finally sets in, and I realize that it is out of my control, I will accept it and move on. Always look to the horizon and to the stars. Know that there is much more to this universe than any man can imagine, and that we are allowed but a simple taste of all that is.
Posted Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:45 PM
You may not of thought anything about this when you typed it, but when I read it I thought it was one of the most brilliant posts I've ever seen.
Posted Tue Oct 05, 2010 09:50 AM
Posted Tue Oct 05, 2010 02:59 PM
I ended the conversation by saying I'm never begging for it again. Life is too short to be begging for what you need.
Posted Tue Oct 05, 2010 03:14 PM
Posted Tue Oct 05, 2010 09:21 PM
This post has been edited by smipleman: Tue Oct 05, 2010 09:22 PM