more than friends?
Posted Sat Nov 04, 2006 08:43 PM
Posted Sat Nov 04, 2006 08:52 PM
Posted Sun Nov 05, 2006 08:02 PM
Posted Mon Nov 06, 2006 01:00 AM
TerrieFaz, your answer sounds like it has hit the nail on the head, but it soooo didn't. I had a girl I was mad about who fit your description EXACTLY, and then some; my best friend's sister, or all people! They're a very tight family, and hang out together all the time, so I became good friends with her. So good that I can remember several times over the summer when she's come up to me and just started kissing me. (Actually she was drunk on all accounts, so it's not too fair an indicator) I always turned her down on it, because we were good friends, and I didn't want her brother to think I was just trying to get some from his sister. (We were notorious on our sluts that summer, I didn't want him thinking she was one of them.)
So, about a month and a half ago, she got involved with a boyfriend who was a real jerk asshole, and it started to rub off on her or something, because she starts running away from home frequently. It's then that I realise how much I care about her, and that I really do love her. Well, I kinda hid my feelings because there's the whole "she's already got a boyfriend" aspect, and from the few things she said about him, it seems she actually liked the punk.
A few weeks ago she broke up with him, and at the same time, me and her started haning around a lot more - without her brother being involved. Like, we drove around all night once just hitting coffee places, sharing a bottle of whisky, and having a long conversation in which I expressed my emotions on how I loved her (not sexually, though I didn't say that, I think she just assumed I meant plutonically which was good cause I didn't wanna make my move yet) and was worried about her running away cause she almost got sent to a Juvie place for it. We discussed our emotions a bit, which is something neither of us liked to do, and didn't do with other people. I was surprised to find that a lot of ways I thought and felt were also the ways she thought and felt. Like, though I didn't agree with her means of running away to resolve her problems, I could understand why she did it.
After that, I invited her to a wedding reception with me, and she invited me to go see a musical play with her for some Drama Class credits, etc. Even my best friend (not her brother, a different one) was telling me that she wanted me, and I should ask her. It seemed obvious, so I did ask her, and she said yes.... for about 24 hours, at which point she sent me a text message saying I was way too much like a brother to her.
Can you see where I thought it would work here folks!? I always make her laugh, and sometimes when I do she'll be smiling and she'll just look at me with her eyes glazed over like she's intoxicated (though I know we're both flat level). She grabbed my cell phone once and changed my voice mail message to something along the lines of "Logan can't answer the phone right now, cause we're... busy, if ya know what I mean. *giggle* Stop that! *giggle* He'll give ya a call back when we're finished!" She changed my 'Silent' setting to 'I <3 Jaci'. She wrote me a freakin' love letter while she was in Saturday detention for cryin' out loud! I'd felt like a loser for having waited so damned long!!
I dunno what it was. I'm not a looker, and about 20 lbs overweight. Is that it? I'm a virgin (but so is she) and pretty nervous on issues sexual. Could that be it? I asked a few people what 'like a brother' meant. One said it sounded like I'd waited too long. Another said if I loved her, I shouldn't give up, but just wait a while. And my overly sexually aggressive buddy Ryan said "Man, it's like when a girl tells you she's on her period. That don't mean shit, and she's probably lying. Just put your arm around her, and start kissing." (Though I'm sure that approach would work if we were drunk, she'd probably hate me in the morning)
So, sorry to interject my own query into here, but my opinion: THERE'S NO FREAKIN' WAY TO KNOW! Especially around teenaged girls. All the things I described are EXCELLENT indicaters, but I guess there's no sure fire way to know.
That being said, anyone got any advice or similar stories on becoming more than friends? Cause I love that bitch, I really do, and I'm not ready to give up just yet.
P.S. If you're worried about it affecting your friendship when you ask her, don't be. It didn't affect ours. I wallowed in my own misery for a day, then I called her and we wound up hanging out that night again. We haven't really talked about it yet, and maybe we should, but things are back to the way they were with just a slight edge to them.
[[Disclaimer: Yeah, I know it sounds like I'm a minor from the contents of the story, but I really am 18 by a little less than a month (bDay: 10/7/88). She's still 16, but as she's waiting for marriage and I'd plan on respecting that if we did hook up, I don't think that should be an issue.]]
Posted Mon Nov 06, 2006 01:41 PM
I had a similar experience when I was in High School. There was a girl I REALLY liked that would call me every night, we'd study together, hang out with me and my family; it was like we were a couple. One day after months of hanging out, I asked her to be my Lady. She told me, "I'm not the right one for you. One day you'll find someone else that will make you happy." I was flabberghasted and didn't know what to think. All I did was follow the signals, but they led me into a dead-end. To this day, I still don't understand her line of thinking. She would repeatedly tell me how much she loved me and how much she cared, but she didn't want to be my Girlfriend. At any rate, it sounds like this girl is sending you mixed signals for whatever reason. Maybe you should talk to her and try and find out what the REAL deal is.
Posted Mon Nov 06, 2006 01:55 PM
Posted Mon Nov 06, 2006 03:45 PM
I had a similar experience with my girlfriend. Before we started dating we were good friends. I started to develop feelings for her but before I could say anything she started dating another guy. It was quite hard as I was trying to do the friendship thing and fighting my feelings for her and ultimately failing.
It knew it was a no go as she was in a relationship but by the time she had split up with her boyfriend I had made it quite obvious I really liked her!!!
When she did split up with him, I supported her through it and admitted I had feelings for her. I felt I had lost her once and needed to say what I had to otherwise I would go through life not knowing what might have been.
She had guessed for ages I felt that way. She told me she preffered to say friends for now and see how things progressed. We took our time over things and gradually our relationship developed and we're still dating two years on.
I always say it's best to ask but don't be afraid of rejection.
Posted Tue Nov 07, 2006 12:29 AM
Posted Tue Nov 07, 2006 02:13 AM
I said about 3 words the rest of that day as we drove around, and I was just chain smoking heavily, and I'm sure everyone who hadn't read the message and did think we were going out knew something was up. I just couldn't speak for fear that I'd lose it right there, I'd wanted her badly for so long.
I dunno, I'm still pursuing this one though, cause I do love her, and I'm almost POSITIVE that the 'love ya like a brother' thing was just an excuse for something else. Less than a week before I actually asked her out, we drove around all night sharing a bottle of whisky and speaking our minds and it was, AWESOME cause I really got to know and understand what made her tick, and at the end of the night she invited me up to her room if I didn't mind being shot by her dad in the morning. Well, I did and I was getting really sick because the last time I'd had that particular brand of whisky, I'd been SLOSHED and now my system couldn't even tolerate it, but I unfortunately wasn't aware of that before hand.
The times she's made me feel like she wanted to be more than a brother, she was drunk. Not majorly, but minorly. So, I'm almost positive it's something else. Maybe it's my appearance, maybe she's afraid to be involved with a guy she actually cares about, or who cares about her (as I said, her last boyfriend was a prick asshole who I'd kill if I ever met in person; and she has some draumatic depression issues, but it's cool because I'm diagnosed depressed and Socially Anxious too, and I've overcome my shit pretty well, so I want to help her). Or, maybe it was just the way I asked.
Side note but amuzing story: The night I asked her out, we were going to a musical version of Dr. Jakel and Mr. Hyde. I picked her up at her house after school, and she had stayed home that day and her hair was done up different. She had these really nice curls in them. Looked beautiful, and I told her that. We went out to eat before hand, (at an actual restaurant, and not a fast food place!!) we killed time in Walmart, bought some cool dreadlocks, hit the StarBucks. It was an amazing night. So, we get to the play, and we get seated, and we're watching the play. They're at some pre-wedding party for Dr. Jakel and his soon to be wife, and they're singing to each other about how they feel so complete and contented with each other.
Well, about that time she kind leans over in her seat so her shoulder is touching mine. After a couple seconds I'm like "Hey! Is that a hint that she wants me to put my arm around her or something?" I was pretty sure it was, but by the time I'd arrived at that conclusion I felt I'd thought about it too long instead of reacting on instincts like I should have. I'd had one girlfriend before this, and that only lasted a day as well, as we were completely wrong for each other. I never did anything intimate with that girl, and besided the girl sitting next to me in the theater, I'd only kissed like 2 other girls, but went no farther than that. I blame this total nervousness I was feeling right now. It's like a friend of mine said on the subject: "You need experience to gain confidence, and confidence to gain experience."
So, finally I work up the balls to do it, but by this time that scene was over and Jakel was in a slummy bar full of hookers who were prancing around the stage thrusting their hips and singing "Bring on the men, and let the fun begin!' So, I'm thinking "If I do it now, she's gonna get TOOOOTTTALLLY the wrong idea." So I waited, and another intimate scene came up about an hour later, and she was no longer leaning on my like she had been before. I'm thinking; "Come on! Your buddy Ryan slaps chicks in the face with his cock on the first date for crying out loud, and you can't put your arm around her? You're pitiful man!" So, to make a long story short, I finally did put my arm around her, but it was in a sort of spasmic, sudden and unnatural way while Hyde was running around murdering people. TOTALLY blew my timing on that one.
So, when I finally asked her, I had this whole romantic idea of how to say it planned out, but I decided that that was too long drawn, and I totally lacked the confidence to do it. So, I went with the whole 'turn down the music as we're driving home. "So, I've been wanting to ask you this for quite a while, but, do you want to go out with me?" Very dorky, but I was so sure she was gonna say yes, that I didn't care (though too bad that sentiment didn't help out my confidense earlier) She said yes, and I leaned in for a kiss and almost took us off the road in the process, even though it was just a quick peck. Then, we went to a party, but we were both stoned and spaced out so I really didn't say anything to her then, and I ended up leaving and driving her home. She said it would be a good idea if we slept in different rooms in case her parents woke up and found us. I wanted to kiss her goodnight (maybe make the night last a little longer before we parted for seperate chambers) but she was spaced out watching the TV with her parents asleep right there on the chairs in the living room, and I didn't want them seeing me kissing her before we went upstairs together, so... yeah.
I'm thinking it could have been my lack of intimate assertion. Who knows. We haven't really talked this out, but I wanna talk it out with her. I'm still hanging out with her. I just asked her to go to a movie with me tonite, and she agreed, so we're more or less back to where we were those few happy days when I was sure she was mine. I just plan to keep hanging out with her, maybe let her make the next move, maybe wait until I get that feeling back and really be more confident this time. I dunno. I love this chick though, I really do.
But, if you do ask her, be prepared, cause if you aren't you'll end up laying in bed all afternoon until you have to go to work and not eating for a couple days like I did. Best of luck.
Posted Tue Nov 07, 2006 02:47 AM
Ask her out for coffee sometime, the universally non-commital way to ask if she maybe is interested outside the office. There are different degrees of enthusiasm that help you decipher the hidden response.
1) If she says 'yes, how about after work tonight' and gives you a lecherous grin this means 'I'm gonna fuck your brains out you better get ready'.
2) If she says 'sure, that sounds nice' holds eye contact and smiles it means 'I may be interested in you but you have to make the first move' it can also mean 'I'm completely clueless and think you want to be friends' - but you'll figure that out at the coffee shop hopefully without too much embarrasment.
3) If she says 'maybe' and looks at you appraisingly it means 'I'm a horrible tease and will never take you seriously' or 'you creep me out but I'm too passive/polite to just tell you' . In either case drop the idea entirely.
4) If she says 'no' she means... duh, 'no'. You smile and say 'cool' or something like that. There really isn't a good recovery from this besides seeming unconcerned. Geese, I mean, all you did was ask her out for a friendly cup of jo.
5) If she says 'sure' but doesn't follow up it means nothing.
Pray her response is listed above, because if it isn't you are entirely on your own.
Posted Tue Nov 07, 2006 02:57 AM
My wife and I were best friends for 3 years, always did stuff just the two of us. She called me up one day and started the conversation with 'I adore you'. my response 'Me too, you are like my surrogate sister in this city'. 45 minutes later she finally got me to understand what she was saying. Duh. We were both 32 at the time and supposedly experienced in 'the ways of things'. Ha.
Human relations are at best strange and awkward, get used to it. But there is beauty too. Is there ever!