How I got MY wife into sex
Posted Thu Jan 13, 2011 01:22 AM
I turned my sex life with wife into a scheduled task. I would demand sex, make her feel like it was her fault, and get mad if she said no. I was convinced that my wife had a low sex drive, or just accepted that 12 years with same person just does that to you.
That was the first thing I did, I smashed all of my old beliefs and ideals. I started to look at my wife as a date instead. Then I would think of all the ways I approached her for sex and decide if it would work on a date. Well after 50 no's in a row, I started to see a trend. It was me, not her, my deeper thought was it was her perception of me, and my view towards sex. Sex was very important for me, it defined me as a man in a way. I was very centered around pleasing my wife which to me meant I was a better man. It gave me a lot of sexual hang ups, and ideals that I really could not measure up to. I was missing the female factor in the sex equation, feelings. Sex for a woman goes far beyond the O, and your technique. Yes both are important but are far from the whole picture for women.
So with that insight I started to change my thoughts and actions on sex. First I put it on the bottom of my mental list, meaning I could live without sex. I stopped initiating sex, and waited for my wife to do it because sex was the last thing on my mind for now. She held out for a few days then asked me why I didn't want to have sex, she thought it was her fault. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and it had nothing to do with her. Here's the wow factor, she started amping up her approach for sex, the same way I would when I got turned down. I wondered how could this be when I had no sexual value because of my past with her. Then I realized that since our separation I had changed a lot, and in essence I was a new man to her.
Then I thought besides the obvious what else is she getting out of sex, feelings. I think we all have the same feelings before, during and after sex. We accomplished a goal, we satisfied the other person, we felt accepted, we felt loved, we felt in control, we felt control from the other person, we felt sexy, we felt great. For sex to be good a lot of those feelings have to be felt, or then it's just average. Why am I mentioning this? Because often after a long relationship we forget about these feelings, and we forget about making the other person feel those feelings. So that was the second step, increase the good feelings before, during or after. You can learn a lot more about your sex life if you pay attention to your spouses feelings, and attitudes before and after. If they are not in high spirits then they may have an issue with sex with you. They might have old feelings attached to the act, and it actually depresses them after sex because those bad feelings are now a habit. So try your best to break that habit for them, use suggestions and praise. Find something they love doing and start talking about how great they are at it right after sex. Be consistent and then you'll notice they will start to be happier and happier after sex. Never stop paying attention at the critical times, you will learn a wealth of information, and can use the information to increase your response from sex.
Her little games, and how you can maximize your appeal. I used to think my wife was crazy, I know we all think that. I noticed that a lot of times my wife would do something off the wall, or say something I didn't understand. I used to react in a negative way, then I realized it was all a game to test me. She wanted to know where she stood and where I stood in the M, so she would give me little tests. So the third thing I did was stopping playing her games, when I knew it was a test. The best way to win a game like this is to not participate in the game at all. Women love men in control, power is a turn on for most, that's why when they have A's it's usually with a boss, or someone with power. So I took control in the relationship, and the only thing I could control was my feelings, and my actions. I stopped over reacting, I stopped trying to control her, and I took control when she wanted me to take control.
Turning her on. The final piece was turning her on, and getting her to initiate sex. I already mentioned how not wanting made her want it more, and made her increase her approach. but what's the thought process behind that. She felt that for the first time she was not worthy of having sex with me, her actions spoke the words. So now I turn her down from time to time, or I say that I was in the mood yesterday and then she did something to turn me off. I would be more social when I went out, and try to talk to at least 1 new person. This gave me the power of acceptance from my wife because if other people like me, than she wants to be associated with me. If the new person was female then I also gained sex appeal, because if another person wants your spouse, you naturally want them more. Also by having sex with me it proved she was sexier than the other female. I made a lot of friends and reconnected with some old ones, this also helped because it showed other people like to be my friend, and I mattered to other people. It showed I had compassion.
During sex I would make sure that it was a great performance, and I would change it up from time to time. Then every once in a while after a great performance from her I would say "damn you made my balls tingle, I'm not going to able to go to sleep now. I knew I picked a winner when I met you, I can just see it in you, you're glowing." Sorry so graphic but there is a point, women do not know what balls feel like, akin to men not knowing what a g spot orgasm feels like. So it levels the field because when a man has an orgasm the evidence is literally right in front of you, but she doesn't know if she made them tingle, get it. If the sex was lack luster I never commented on it, or expressed it to her. I knew that there were forces beyond my control and I let it be. I would also ignore all the presteps to sex, when she was fishing for a sexual comment from me. She might wear small shorts and prance around me waiting for me to react, I would just keep on doing what I was doing. Sometimes she would ask me directly, "Am I sexy." It was the hardest thing to do but I would not comment on it, and if I did I would be vague. That question is a game, and by not answering the question, I beat her at her own game. Women on deep level love men that can out game them, it's a turn on, it's a challenge. Remain steadfast in your approach and you will reap the benefits. I would also let her know that sex with me was a challenge, it had to be earned in a way. So I would say things like "if you keep that up I'll let you show me your seduction skills later." At first she would get pissed, but as time went on she would start taking on these challenges. Now when I say something like that she giggles like a school girl, she loves the feeling of the silly challenge.
support her when she wants support, leave her alone when she needs the time to think. Support her actions when she makes a decision, comfort her when she needs comfort. Compliment her on her passions, be in control of your emotions. Don't let every little speed bump in life slow you down. Don't let anyone change your mind, remain steadfast. Don't be scared to speak up, or put her in her place when she needs it.
Be the nicest ashole your wife could ever need.....................
Posted Sun Feb 20, 2011 08:26 AM
Glad you got things all sorted. Sounds like you're having LOTS of fun now
Posted Sun Feb 20, 2011 01:34 PM
Yes, but women should be aware of it as well. In my situation the roles are somewhat reversed.
Posted Sun Feb 20, 2011 01:36 PM
I know so many women who say they suffer from "low sex drive" and it only takes about 5 minutes of conversation to discover that there's something off in their relationship and that they don't even realize that the two are connected.
Too many couples have too hard a time getting past their own egos in terms of sex to actually try and self-reflect on what they could do to make it better, and instead just write off their sex life as effed up, and get bitter about it.
Posted Sun Feb 20, 2011 01:45 PM
Posted Sun Feb 20, 2011 08:26 PM