Dave's Favorite Jokes
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 04:16 AM
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..." She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 04:19 AM
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says...
"Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 04:21 AM
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says...
"What did you say '123' for?"
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 04:23 AM
After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a Rabbi... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Priest replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!
The Rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest.
The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Priest.
The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Rabbi replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 04:25 AM
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 02:32 PM
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dad, it's called the twist!"
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 02:36 PM
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps
the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do." Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,...
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 02:37 PM
John said to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later.
George to John, "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well,...
but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 02:39 PM
They hear a knock at the door. They ask "Who is it?"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, what could it hurt." They let him in.
The Blind man walks in and says...
"Hey, nice tits, where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 02:43 PM
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton", his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,...
"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Posted Mon Dec 25, 2006 02:45 PM
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucKing her."
The boss says, "You fucK your sister?"
The guy says,...
"Hey, I told you I was sick."
Posted Tue Dec 26, 2006 03:04 AM
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action." She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...
the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"
Posted Tue Dec 26, 2006 03:06 AM
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood,...
"He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Posted Tue Dec 26, 2006 03:10 AM
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table.
Nobody says nothing. He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says,...
"All right, all right, I'll do the fucKing dishes."
Posted Tue Dec 26, 2006 03:14 AM
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he's busy.", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"They're looking for me!"
Posted Tue Dec 26, 2006 03:15 AM
The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck!
The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!
The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy,...
and I had that until fat head came along!!!"
Posted Tue Dec 26, 2006 03:18 AM
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while.
He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."
Posted Tue Dec 26, 2006 03:21 AM
The woman cocked her ear "Quick it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hand in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said...
"The little bastards!"
Posted Tue Dec 26, 2006 03:22 AM
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
Posted Tue Dec 26, 2006 03:24 AM
The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit, a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down, and starts to read.
The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and roars, " Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"
The gorilla says, "You mean the one that fucKed the lion in the ass?"
The lion says, "My God! You mean it's in the paper already?"