Opening up the relationship
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 07:36 AM
The case is - I live together with my girlfriend/life companion for several years, we have a very precious relationship, full of mutual understanding, kindness, love, everything. We just don't have the same high sex drive. There was no initiative for sex from her for several years, I am always the one to start it and the times when she is interested at all are getting fewer and more apart.
Now, I always check if it is also my fault - but I am fit, look rather OK, she says she still likes me and finds me attractive, I am attentive and imaginative lover, ready for play, love to caress and spoil her body and mind, but she just doesn't need sex and eroticism that much in her life.
I also thought - maybe she is not like me - maybe eating the same cake, even if it is good - can get boring after years for her, although I never got bored of her sexually, even though she is a rather passive lover and becomes wild only on the peak of arousal - there was no time she would drag me into bed, etc. in recent years. And I miss that - a passionate female who would want to fuck me wildly (or even gently ) - is this shallow? I don't know.
So, there is this good friend of mine, who is also her friend - we all know each other very well, visit for dinners, have parties together, go to cinema, concerts, theater, etc. - we hug and kiss and are very comfortable in conversation and around each other - we are real close friends.
And this other woman shows very clearly the sexual attraction towards me and I flirt with her, too; but we do it subtly as in a joke, because we know nothing can happen, out of respect for my girlfriend that we both love in our own ways (as partner and friend).
Now, I really see no fault, if we would become sexual partners (already the sexual tension is incredible), but remain friends in a way that would not interfere with our relationship. I don't know - maybe something changes when you sleep with someone - maybe you want to be more attached, but she also dates another guy, who is not around that much and she also goes without sex for weeks and months and I already described my situation. Since we spend enough time together as friends already, I don't see what difference (except added sexual fun) would us becoming sex buddies make?
So, I ask any of you who were in a monogamous relationship and tried to open it up: how did you bring that to your partner, what were the results - did it work, did it break your relationship, did that make your other partner jealous, despite that s/he knew about it? Did it make her/him want to have more sex after s/he knew you are intimate with another person? Did it spark her/his sexuality or completely alienated you from each other?
I would of course also let her have fun with another person, if she chose so, but she doesn't even seek it from me and says she doesn't feel the slightest need to seek it elsewhere. I don't know. Maybe she would be angry and sad at my proposal, but why would she want to "own" something that she doesn't use?
All I seek is more freedom for all and end the sex deprivation which is getting a bit annoying.
Any real experience that you can share would help with making the decision to even try and propose that.
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 08:21 AM
I just think it's difficult when there's no symmetry in a relationship. I didn't need sex outside the relationship even though I had a higher sex drive. He needed it to increase his I think. At the end, we broke up and it was very painful. We even went to see a marriage counselor, but he wouldn't open up to what he wanted to avoid hurting me, and he was right. He got what he wanted at the end, he started going out with other women... I didn't date for about 2 years.
Hope this helps...
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 03:57 PM
Feeling something VERY similar.. I have always been monogamous to a fault, so I have no valued advice to offer on the open relationship thing, but needless to say, I am interested in the replies you will get and the decision you are to make. Good luck, and very well writen!!
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 09:04 PM
I guess it is counterintuitive in a way, but on the other hand I can see how a recipe for disaster can happen in the scenario that you've provided.
I've also heard that it's a mistake to assume/infer anything about your partner's sexual desire. I think the most common pitfall is the assumption by the higher sex drive person that the lower drive partner won't dabble with other partners as well once the relationship is opened up. And then feelings get hurt because it's like, "why is my partner all of the sudden interested in sex when he/she wasn't so much with me?"
I guess what I'm saying is to tread carefully; and if you do broach the subject and make yourself heard but also be prepared to listen. And I honestly don't know of a way to approach the topic, but there are a few books on the matter, I'm sure you could check out.
Posted Fri Mar 04, 2011 06:24 AM
Hmm, will have to think about it more. Still inviting everyone to share their real experiences, either failures or successful solutions.
That other female friend is coming over in a couple of hours and we will be alone for some time. I decided to let my guard down and see what happens, we have to talk about some business, but knowing how we are around each other, everything is possible if I try not to interfere with my rational-moralistic-ethical mind and just let the situation flow. If chance will have it that she decides the same, we might end up in "trouble", but at least we will make progress; but if she will be reserved, like we always are, then the situation is not ripe for anything and nothing "inappropriate" could happen.
If I'll make that kind of "mistake", then I have to communicate it to my girl, since I can't lie to a person I love and then the scenarios - either painful separation, future open relationship, awkwardness, but forgiveness and moving on can take place.
Why would I do it in the first place? Hurt the one I love with having sex with another woman? Because this is going on for more than two years and I did try my patience and understanding and adjusting to the situation and I am not prepared to live like that till the end of my life (always initiating sex and having it only once every two or three months), if it requires some pain to move on, so be it! I think that the "open relationship" could be a wonderful and practical solution, but if it is not possible, then...
This post has been edited by MrVortex: Fri Mar 04, 2011 06:25 AM
Posted Fri Mar 04, 2011 08:47 AM
As I said, I've always been monogamous when in a relationship, but these days I have started to question the entire premise of monogamy, and undivided love. I feel I'm quite generous with my feelings, I don't hold back and generally, I'm not afraid to show affection to anyone who's kind to me. So, after reading cases like yours over and over on these boards, I really wonder if we're actually meant to be monogamous.
I am sure that a lot of people can and are happy being with their one and only; I honestly felt I was one of those, but I have changed my mind, and I will never seek a monogamous relationship again. After all, I'm done with most of what married people do, and have no interest in repeating the cycle. I have usually required more sex than most of my partners, and I have noticed that after a while they always lose interest. This is expected of course, but it also makes me wonder about the true nature of male sexuality. I come here to these boards, and I see men vowing eternal love to their wives while they're perusing pic threads of female members. I find this quite contradictory, not in the ethical sense, but in the sexual sense.
I have also read comments of men swearing that once women get comfortable with a man, they lose all interest in sex, and forget about them. So, all that leads me to think that some men aren't really meant to be married or to stay in a monogamous relationship. In my case, as a woman, I find this rather inconvenient since it basically means that any men is going to get bored with me after a while because I'm usually the initiator and don't waste opportunities to engage in sex if I'm asked. So, in essence, I've reached the conclusion that I'm better off having sex with different men. I have very good relationships with the men I have now... As I said, I'm quite affectionate, so they can get that side if they want. Truth is that I'm quite flexible... I don't need sex to be intimate all the time, I don't mind it a little rough, or a little playful, as long as everyone's limits are respected.
As I said, I have come to these conclusion as a middle aged woman. I don't think I would've been happy with the idea when I was in my 20s or 30s; but it's interesting, how people have become accustomed to mold sex and love into one package, when they're two completely different things.
Posted Fri Mar 04, 2011 09:16 AM
But even though I like to look at other girls/women as every male does and I like to flirt, I would be perfectly satisfied only having sex with my partner.When we had it regularly and with more passion from her side and even occasional initiative, I never even thought of having sex with other women; I might have fantasized about some, but never had a real wish to do it in real life, I was satisfied and love was much stronger than the sexual desire or wish to "taste" other fruits. But now that it became so rare, I feel otherwise.
My friend was already here and we had a very curious talk, but nothing "forbidden" happened, as I knew it very probably wouldn't. She bought a new swimming suit before coming here and I joked if she will demonstrate how it fits her to me and she remembered and joked that the last time she came over to my place, she was also shopping and bought a new bra, so I said that her subconscious reacts in a funny way when coming to visit me - she agreed and we just smiled. We talked also about relationships (mostly in an impersonal, debate manner) and she even explained a bit that she will go to a workshop of some sort of "tantra sexual balancing" or something like that over the weekend - she also explained that her boyfriend didn't call her for two weeks and that she is not satisfied in this loose relationship they have, but she said OK, that's how it is.
I joked, that I don't believe in that "tantra" stuff, but that we shall see how it will affect her and she said that she will not have to tell me, but that I will see and she made horny faces and hand gestures. It made me blush, but that was all. We hugged with full body contact as she prefers to do it - she says that people should hug properly, not just faintly and shy as they do - and I had a hard on that she must have felt, she looked at me in a curious way and that was all that happened sexually. I am now left aroused as hell and confused. Thank god that we have an evening of sports with my buddies this evening, or I will go crazy.
The thing is - I still perceive her as my friend, I am not in love, but oh my god, how would I like to make love to her in that moment. I'm still hard half an hour later remembering our hug, the feel of her breasts pressing against my chest and smell of her hair. I must be one horny bastard.
Posted Fri Mar 04, 2011 09:26 AM
My life these days as an itinerant musician makes monogamy even less desirable, because I am 3-6 months in a country, then off to another, with maybe two weeks off in between to visit family and a lover. One-and-only sex once every six months is not monogamy, that's celibacy, and so very not happening for me.
Besides, when people subscribe to monogamy, it becomes about wondering if the other is cheating. Well, I will never cheat, because I will never promise monogamy. A lover will never have to if I have had sex: if I haven't seen her in three weeks, I had sex- unless I'm sick, crippled or dead.
And even then...
Posted Mon Mar 21, 2011 08:30 AM
I married my husband 10 and a half years ago now. We have always felt content enough in the relationship. I have always had a higher sex drive but he has been willing to indulge me most if the time.
About 18 months ago he decided to move overseas for business purposes. This was to be for about 9 months. He would come home every few weeks and we would enjoy every moment together.
6 months in to him moving overseas he started to develop problems maintaining erections when with me. He went to see specialists who believe it is a psychological problem. He says he feels pressured in bed with me now and worries he can't tend to my needs as much since he is away most of the time.
Over the next few months we discussed opening the relationship up to allow me to fulfill some of my sexual needs and fantasies. It was just a discussion at first and neither of us thought it would be anything more. But, after alot of frustration around not being able to be intimate with each other I really wanted to try it so I sat down with the hubby and had a very serious talk about it. We discussed rules and boundaries and how we can make sure the other is feeling ok with the arrangement as time goes on.
I have been with 2 guys since with varying results. My husband and I are feeling quite happy and he is understanding of my needs.
In your case, I feel that there may be a very big risk of the relationship changing or breaking down altogether. But if you say you are ok with this, sometimes you really need to consider your needs. But I would suggest you talk to her about how you are feeling. Be honest. If she wants to leave you, be prepared for that but don't just cheat on her, it will hurt her so much more. At the end of the day, think if your relationship is owrth losing over a little bit of pussy, you never know what this friend of hers will do afterwards, she may take her side.
Good luck with this one, it's tricky.