sex jokes ypu wont stop laughing
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 06:29 AM
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 06:34 AM
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, tomatoes"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonnaise on me"!
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 06:37 AM
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 06:39 AM
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 06:42 AM
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"
all SF members can contribute with jokes if you have any.
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 06:45 AM
The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 06:49 AM
Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The Chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me Chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 06:58 AM
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:03 AM
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:07 AM
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:10 AM
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:11 AM
The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."
The bus driver says, "I'm not married"
The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".
Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.
When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."
The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:13 AM
The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.
The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.
The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.
The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:15 AM
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:17 AM
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:19 AM
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:24 AM
The two grandma's of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan.
They put BB Gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it.
The next morning, Little Tommy came down from his room and said "Grannie, Grannie, there were BBGun pellets in my pee pee last night."
Then Little Sally came down and said "Grandma, there was BB Gun pellets in my pee last night."
Then Big Shaun came down yelling "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!"
Posted Sun May 08, 2011 07:30 AM
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"