been on vacation a few days
Posted Mon Aug 30, 2004 04:00 PM
The Arab said, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"
The Jew replied, "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."
The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.
The Jew said,"I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it alright. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie.
A woman approached a banker at the country club. "Sir, I hate to bother you, but I represent the Save the Children Federation. Did you know that just $10 a week will support a child in India? Please give that some thought." "I certainly will," replied the banker. A week later, he shipped his children off to Bombay.
Fred entered his doctor's office. "Doc, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first promise that you won't laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," said his doctor. "I'm a professional. In my twenty years of practice, I've never laughed at any patient." "Okay," Fred said hesitantly as he dropped his trousers revealing his tiny penis, which was the size of a peanut. The doctor tried to control himself but failed miserably; he started tittering, then giggling, then laughing until he was rolling on the floor. Finally, he regained his composure. "I'm so sorry, I truly am. I don't know what came over me. I swear it won't happen again. Now, Fred, what's your problem?" Fred replied seriously, "It's swollen!"
"All right, class. I want you to each make up a sentence using the word, 'fascinate.' Molly? Let's hear yours." Molly said, "We went to granddad's farm and it was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Molly, but I asked you to use the word 'fascinate.' Sally? How about you?" Sally said, "My family went to Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good too, but I want the word 'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was infamous for his bad language but she decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My aunt's sweater has nine buttons, but her tits are so big that she can only fascinate!"
Late one night, Officer O'Leary's patrol car passed a used car lot when he spotted two little old ladies sitting in a Chevy convertible. O'Leary drove up beside them. "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Why, officer; certainly not!" said one. "We bought this car today." "Well, then," said O'Leary, "why don't you just start it up and drive home?" "We don't drive," said the other little old lady. "Besides, we'd rather wait here." "What? Why?" asked O'Leary. "We were told that if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed!"
How many screws in a lesbian's bed? None. It's all tongue and groove!
A man got pulled over by a policeman. "What's wrong, officer?" "Your car doesn't have hubcaps." "So? What's wrong with that?" "Indecent Exposure." "Indecent exposure?!" "Yes. You just can't just ride around town with your nuts showing!"
Two proctologists were talking. "Did you go to the big proctology convention last weekend?" "Sure did." "How was it?" "Great! I spent the whole weekend looking up old friends!"
Golf's Worst Foursome
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY YOU ASK? Well,
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND..
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
THIS SIGN IS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB IN THE NORTHERN CALIFORNIA AREA:
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done! Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.
Posted Fri Sep 15, 2006 04:01 PM
Posted Thu Sep 28, 2006 07:14 PM