Is it possible that spouse can feel "so complete" in a marriage that sex begins to take a backseat?
Posted Sun May 22, 2011 12:30 AM
Those weren't the words she used and I'm paraphrasing based on my memory of the article (I closed the window and my browser doesn't keep a history).
As I was reading this, I got to thinking of my own situation. Both my wife and I were previously married and in terrible relationships. I can't say my sex life with my ex rocked but I know from the way she's talked in the past, her ex took her to places most could "only dream of", if you catch my drift.
My wife has said something similar to the wife in the article as well...something along the lines of "I'm completely satisfied and I don't want or need anything else" (in reference to our marriage and friendship). Does this mean she has put sex on the backburner in favor of maintaining her satisfaction in other areas of our marriage? She's never been wild or crazy with me but I do know of at least a couple of instances where a friend of hers whispered in my ear some detailed encounters my wife had with a couple of her "dates" that my wife had told her about.
Any other guys out there in the same situation have any thoughts on this? Ladies...what say you?
Posted Sat May 28, 2011 03:50 AM
Posted Tue May 31, 2011 10:25 PM
Posted Wed Jun 01, 2011 08:53 AM
So to me the question here would be, does her satisfaction include a healthy sex life? She thinks because all of her friends admit to her they only have sex two or three times a month that that is completely normal and since we fit in that category, nothing is wrong.
Is she satisfied with her sexual status quo? She seems more than happy at this point. She gets to make love when she feels the need for it (who am I to turn her down).
Are you satisfied with things as they currently are? Admittedly, the answer is no. I'm not asking for the world but since I am the one with the higher drive, I need it more than 2 nights in a row then nothing for the rest of the month. Like most other couples, we had sex at least 3 or 4 times a week in the first couple of years. Then, along came a baby and things tailed off and probably not expected as we were both pretty tired parents. In the past year, our only child is now almost 5 and is getting to be fairly independent so sex shouldn't have to take a backseat to always being tired. We split the duties around the house pretty evenly and I'm the one that is up at 5:30 in the morning to work and often I don't get home til 6 and am up til 11 doing things around the house (usually the heavy lifting type of stuff plus sometimes things like hauling the laundry up and down, dishes, vacuuming, folding laundry, etc when I know she has had a long or frustrating day...and she acknowledges my help which makes me feel good about helping her out). She is up at 7:30, off to work at 9 and is usually in bed snoring away by 9 each night. It's hard to quantify but for me if we were having sex once or twice a week on average (sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less depending on our schedules and other outside factors) that would make me a 100% satisfied man. Essentially, I'm just asking her to "take one for the team" every once in awhile just as I do when she literally jumps me at the end of a long day and all I want to do is sleep...I never turn her down because I know that will just upset her and it may be another 2 or 3 weeks before I get any.
Did you discuss your sexual expectations before getting married? We discussed it to an extent and she was the one who wanted sex every day, twice a day for the first couple of years so I never ever questioned her sex drive at that time.
Posted Wed Jun 01, 2011 09:25 AM
Posted Wed Jun 01, 2011 09:05 PM
Why oh why she felt the urgency to tell you what she had done with her ex and that she's not prepared to do with you? Is it because you pressured her to tell you... I know hearing the old stories is a turn on for some men, but in your case is more like a sado-masochistic situation, not physically but emotionally. You see, I remembered I asked my ex about his previous sex life, but all I could do was giggle about his experiences. He never asked me what I did with other men, nor did I volunteer any information knowing that that would make him jealous. I honestly believe it's a question of balance.
Really? So, she can't live without sex? Or as you said it, just a couple of days right before her period... Well, I'm not a man RH, but I did leave a very comfortable relationship because of that. Sorry, I'd take my chances alone out in the cold in hookup land rather than just have sex once or even twice a month. In fact, now I'm single, I'm close to 50, and I have no problems getting laid more often than that. Maybe I have other problems, but as things are right now, I would never stay in a marriage just to have a joint bank account and good dinner conversation.
Any other guys out there in the same situation have any thoughts on this? Ladies...what say you?
Really? What's going on here HR? Why are your wife's friends spoon feeding you what your wife did with other dates? Whose idea was this? I'm sorry, but this to me feels so out of place.
Now, this is a total load of crap... I am sorry to say it, but that's a fact. She's telling you that so you can keep it as a reference. The fact is that nobody should base their sex life in terms of what others do... I mean, you can do that if you want, but then, don't complain if you're not satisfied with it.
Again HR, not that I think that's how things should be, but if you choose that, then don't complain.
In spite of my comments above, I do sympathize with you HR. I see threads from men like you way too often... Why is that things are so difficult after you marry? I couldn't tell you for sure... The fact is that so many men marry for the simple reason that they wanted a roll in the hay, and then they end up disgruntled with a boring sex life commuting day in and day out and just hoping for the best every time they get home, only to have the wife hit the sack at 9pm.
I honestly side with men on this... It's extremely unfair to them, especially when they put so many hours helping with the kids and the heavy work at home. Unless she's been diagnosed with a condition or something, then I can buy it. Otherwise, I just don't understand... I'm a single mother with two kids, one of them with special needs, I do all the light work, and the heavy work as well... I'm usually up by 6am and don't go to bed until around midnight. I try to get a nap here and there to catch up; otherwise I'd be killing myself... And then, I still manage to have my ocassional hookups or whatever you want to call them. I can tell you that if I didn't make the time to have them, I couldn't even begin to deal with all the things I have to do. Sex for me is therapeutic, it's medicine, it's a luxury... I wish I could have more and add to my quality of life, but I simply lack the time.
Sorry to say... First, I think your wife doesn't care for you as a man... It seems to me you're more of a convenience for her; and second, I think she doesn't really love you. I may be wrong on boty counts, and I'm sure I may be missing something since I can only see what you write here, but this is what it looks to me after so many posts and discussions about your personal life.
Posted Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:15 PM
Posted Thu Jun 02, 2011 04:26 AM
Posted Fri Jun 03, 2011 09:32 AM
Posted Sat Jun 04, 2011 07:27 PM
I know I am going to bring it up again but people evolve. the more knowledge a person gains the more possibility that they will evolve into something else. it is the basis of human existence. that being said marriage is a team effort that requires both partners to continually evolve independently and yet partake in the understanding and new experience of where their spouse it currently at or may be going. both partners do not have to take the same path, but both partners must be willing to expand enough to accommodate and enjoy the others evolutionary journey. that's what keeps the variety, the excitement. someone who is afraid of evolving for fear of change has ceased to live. the absence of fear is the absence of life. keeping everything the same so they can afford a constant level of comfort is selfish and energy wasting. as a team if both embrace and experience each others evolution you'll be better off for the experience.
Posted Mon Jun 06, 2011 02:18 AM
The idea seems so improbable:
Two people from different backgrounds and experiences are going to live together in perfect sexual harmony, because whenever one is in the mood, the other will be also. They will be desiring the same type of sexual experience, simultaneously. When he wants a quickie, she'll be ready; she calls him to the bathroom, where he finds her in the tub with candles and bubbles, waiting for him to scrub her back, and he exclaims "just what I was thinking!"
Through childbirth and his campaign to make partner at his firm, through her return to school to finish her master's and his last-minute business trips that have him dragging in at 10pm, their desire and capacity for sex remains in perfect tandem...
It is easy to become comfortable in a relationship; it's what some of us strive for. But your situation, HetfieldRocks, is that she has finally become complete right at the time that your sex life becomes unfulfilling. Why was she not feeling this complete nearer to the beginning of your time together?
She needs to know that marriage without regular sexual contact is incomplete for you- and in marriage, mutual 'completeness' is a worthwhile goal. If she doesn't agree, go get laid. Don't lie, don't sneak around, don't apologize. Get the sexual satisfaction you want and need. If she objects, tell her as lovingly as possible:
"Believe me, darling I always prefer to make love with you, but I'm feeling incomplete in your completeness. I am confident that you'll be comfortable with this arrangement: we both will have what we want, without depriving the other."
The old cliché is that men give a home to get sex, and women give sex to get a home. I am opposed to such over-generalizations, but even a broken watch is right twice a day...
This post has been edited by ScottyWright: Mon Jun 06, 2011 02:21 AM
Posted Wed Jun 08, 2011 11:30 AM
Posted Wed Jun 08, 2011 07:52 PM