Top Ten Lists
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:04 PM
10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:11 PM
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:20 PM
15> "My sign is Ramses, what's yours?"
14> "You're one hot Mama... But of course, all women are!"
13> "You ego may be saying 'no', but your id is giving me a tongue bath."
12> "Wanna come back to my place and do something you'll repress later?"
11> "Did I tell you I'm a Certified Pubic Accountant?"
10> "Y'know, a few minutes of probing on my couch and you'd be a completely different woman."
9> "You *must* be tired, because you've been running through my passive-aggressive-libido-suppressed mind all night."
8> "You remind me of my mother when she was Jung."
7> "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that you're also putting hot dogs through doughnuts."
6> "I'll envy yours, if you'll envy mine."
5> "Mind if I put my cigar in your ashtray?"
4> "I believe in putting the 'psycho' back in 'psychoanalysis.'"
3> "Can I buy you a shrink?"
2> "...Oops! I mean Horatio! My name is *Horatio*."
and the Number 1 Freudian Pick-Up Line...
1> "...and ven I snap my fingers, you vill put your clothes back on and remember none of zis.."
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:23 PM
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you Admiral.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see what's in
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:25 PM
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me".
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a 33 YEAR OLD dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:26 PM
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:28 PM
12. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
11. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
10. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
9. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
8. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
7. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer"
to your exaggerated resume.
5. Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.
4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
2. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
1. No one steals your chair.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:31 PM
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May
issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:32 PM
HOW TO KEEP A WOMAN HAPPY
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans,
fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond,
anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive,
sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle,
oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust,
grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce,
aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,
acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up,
hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal,
climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue,
respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of,
promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole,
angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, ervate,
alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste,
nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean
floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky,
crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die,
swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify,
lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,
slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry,
knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle,
amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and
then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO KEEP A MAN HAPPY
Show up naked.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:33 PM
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:43 PM
1. If the condoms are accessible to you, use a needle and poke holes in all of them.
2. Take Ex-Lax and put it in the donuts, cookies, ice cream, coffee machine, cashier's soda, etc.
3. Take one bite out of each of the cookies and donuts.
4. Mix all of the items in the condiments bar together to form a big, yucky salad. Be sure to spill items all over each other and on the floor.
5. Use a razor blade to make a slit in each one of the cartons of milk. This will start a very small drip-leak but when a customer picks up the milk it should spill pretty good. This makes a good mess inside AND outside of the cooler. Really a bitch to clean up.
6. Paint the front sidewalk in pychedelic colors.
7. Bring a ton of items up to the counter. After the cashier rings everything up and asks for your $34.75, tell him you changed your mind and walk out, leaving everything on the counter.
8. Most of the more popular stores have a toll-free customer hotline for customers to call in and complain or make suggestions. Find this number (usually written on the outside window) and call it once a day to complain about an employee you don't like.
9. Put a full pot of coffee under the coffee spout. Then press the button that starts the coffee maker. This will overflow the pot and create a tremendous mess.
10.Jam the handle on the Slurpee/Slushie/Whatever machine so that the mush keeps on flowing after you leave. Watch the cashier cry when he finds it.
11.Ask for $600 in money orders and twenty lotto tickets. After the cashier prints up the money orders and lotto tickets, leave. It's a real bitch to void out money orders and lotto.
12.Sit your fountain drink on top of a video game. There's usually some vents on top of the game so whoops! Accidentally knock your drink over so the entire 44 ounces of Pepsi spill into these vents. This makes for some pretty neat-o smoking effects as well as sparks and fire. Make sure that it's not a cool game that you play often because you won't be playing it anymore.
13.Fill up a Super Tanker Gigantic drink cup with Pepsi. Take it all around the store with you spilling it's contents all over the items on the shelves as you go along. You can imagine what it'd be like to clean this up.
14.On a really hot day, get on the roof and turn off the air conditioning. If possible, make sure that the air conditioners will never work again. Be extremely quiet when walking around up there so mister cashier doesn't hear you.
15.Telephone the cashier and start asking him questions about robberies like: * "Do you have one of those silent alarm buttons you could press if I were to rob you?"
* "Do the police in your neighborhood respond quickly when something bad happens in your store?"
* "How many times has your store been robbed? Was the robber caught?"
* "Theoretically speaking, if a professional robber such as myself were to come in and rob you, what are the chances of me getting caught?"
* "Do you carry a loaded gun behind the counter?"
* "How much money is in your cash drawer right now? That's all? Uhhh, could you please not drop anymore in the safe until I get there? I, uh, need to cash a check, yeah, that's it."
* "Are you afraid of death?"
16.Order a telephone calling card for the store and obtain the pin number. Using the card, make tons of harrassing calls to the store until the card goes dead. When they get their bill, they realize that they've been paying for their own harrassment.
17.Find out the store manager's name or the store owner's name. From a pay phone call your friends in Austraila and third number bill it to the store, saying that you're the manager. The cashier will accept the charges when he thinks it's the manager.
18.Order call forwarding for the store. Ask the cashier if you can use the phone and dial 72#-911 or *72-911. When 911 answers, tell them you got the wrong number and hang up. Now go out to a pay phone and call the store and you'll get 911. Make up some big story about how you're getting robbed and they've thrown you in the cooler and taken customers hostage, etc. If 911 calls back to verify this, they'll get their own office, 911.
19.Start picking up items around the store and dropping them in the trash can. It's hard for a 7-Eleven to make money, especially with people like us in this world, therefore they are usually understaffed. If there's only one person working the swing shift (the 4:00pm-Midnight) then you're in for some extra fun. Make SURE there's only one guy there by calling him and asking. If he's the only one there and it's busy, he HAS to stay at the register so you're free to go anywhere else in the store, including the back room and walk-in freezer.
20.Go in the walk-in freezer with a friend. Veg out on the beer cases and get drunk off your asses. You can usually keep a good eye on the cashier through the window but after a few beers you stop caring about him.
21.Find the back room and look for a few five foot tall cylinder things. These are called CO2 tanks which is what gives the fountain sodas their fizz. Locate the one hooked up to a hose and turn it off. Everyone's soda will taste pretty damn gross now.
22.Take it one step further by disconnecting all of the soda tanks. It'll take the poor cashier an hour to figure out why there's no soda, and another hour to hook 'em all back up and figure out which hose goes to which tank.
23.If there's not a public restroom then there's definately an employee rest- room in the back someplace. Go in there and the employees will sometimes keep their personal belongings lying around. Steal it all and then phone the cashier, demanding a ransom for his stuff.
24.Look for the employee schedule and time sheet hanging somewhere on the wall. Steal the shedule so you'll know who's working for the rest of the week. Flush the time sheet down the toilet so the manager won't know who worked when all week and nobody'll get paid.
25.Instead of flushing the time sheet, find an employee on it that you're not too fond of and add a few hours here and there on his time card. The manager will most likely notice this and either think the employee is trying to cheat for more hours or think that another employee is trying to get him in trouble. If the manager DOESN'T notice, that guy's going to have a nice, hefty paycheck next week.
26.Find the manager's office. It's probably locked but most can be opened with the credit card method. Once in the manager's office, loot. Have your friend watch the security monitor so you'll know if the cashier's comming, while you look for things you want to take. The computer is a nice start. If that's too big, how about the modem. You can steal the employee files and then freak them out by calling them and reciting information to them. Also, security video tapes would be kind of neat to have. In the more modern stores, the cash register is linked with the computer in the office. Sometimes the register won't work without the computer being turned on so unplug the computer and take the cord home with you. Pretty soon the cashier will be using a pocket calculator and a shoebox to ring up the merchandise.
27.The main phone wires are usually somewhere in the back room. You can slow the cashier down quite a bit by disconnecting them all. Don't just unhook them, though. Cut all of them down that you can find and take them with you so there's little chance of them being fixed anytime soon. What does this accomplish? Well, the Lotto machine will stop working soon after losing it's phone line. No more checks, credit cards, ATM cards, gas cards because the credit validation machines can't call in to get approval. Believe me, I know that this is frustrating. Worse thing is, when he starts having all of these problems, he can't call anyone for help because his phone doesn't work anymore. To make it even more pathetic, put the outside pay phones out of commission so he doesn't have a chance.
28.The back rooms are filled with stock that won't fit out on the sales floor. Since there usually aren't any cameras in the back room, this is your chance for fearless shoplifting! Bring a large bag...
29.The gas pump controls should be lurking about somewhere. Take a look at all the buttons and figure out for yourself which ones would be most disaterous to shut off. There's usually serveral shut off switches so shut them ALL off. The cashier will spend a great deal of his life staring at the banks of switches trying to figure out how to turn them back on.
30.Find the circuit breaker boxes. They'll always be unlocked. Find the main switches on all of them and shut them all off at once, cutting the power to the whole store. Since it's dark, you'll be able to slip back out onto the sales floor without being spotted. The cashier will probably assume it's a normal power outage. This is a perfect time for shoplifting.
31.If it's a self-service station, the cashier hears an annoying BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP... when you lift the gas nozzle and push the lever up. The cashier is supposed to look outside, take note of the car and the driver, then hit the Validate button so you can get your gas. Walk up to a pump, out of the cashier's view, hide behind the pump and push the lever up. The cashier will go nuts trying to figure out why the console's beeping if there's no car out there. Go from pump to pump doing this until the cashier comes out to say, "Hey...cut that out."
32.Okay, this is a good one I've always wanted to try. Go to one of those personalized license plate booths in the mall. You know, the one's where you make a plate ILUVYOU for your girlfriend to hang in her room. Find out what the cashier's license plate number is or, failing that, find out what his mother's license plate number is. Attach this plate to the front of your car and pull in to get some gas. Make sure the cashier can see your license plate very clearly. Fill up your tank with Super Unleaded. Make sure the cashier is watching, get in your car and slowly back out of the parking lot, giving the cashier's reflexes time to kick in so he can find a pen and write down your license plate number. Have a friend hang around the store to watch the fun next. See, if the cashier doesn't get a plate number, then he's in a lot of trouble. When someone gets gas and doesn't pay for it, the cashier has to call the police and fill out a report and everything so he doesn't get a disciplinary write up. The cop will want to know the make of car, the plate number and a description of who was driving. (A good idea is to wear a cap and glasses, not that a cop is any real threat.) When the cop runs the plate number through he's going to come up with the cashier's name (or his mom's) and we're all in for a lot of confusion and fun. I have no idea what the outcome would be.
33.At full service station, pull up to the pump and make sure your gas tank is on the opposite side as the gas pump so the gas attendant has to manage to get the hose on the other side. If he says you have to turn your car around say, "Aw, it'll reach, I promise."
34.Also at full service, if you're needing unleaded gasoline, pull up so your gas tank is about four feet past the unleaded pump. Tell the gas attendant you want five bucks unleaded and go inside. This is a pain in the hiney for the gas attendant because he's so far away from the pump that he can't see when he's up to five bucks. Usually they end up pumping a little, running over to the pump to see how much left to go, running back and pumping a little more, running back to check again, etc, etc...Piss him off more by saying, "Hurry it up a little, willya?"
35.Most every gas pump I've seen can be locked with a normal padlock. Go in the store and shoplift as many Master padlocks as you need. Bring them out- side and lock up each one of the pumps. Since the average gas station doesn't have a pair of bolt cutters on the premises, nobody will be getting gas for the rest of the night.
36.Gas stations have to take daily gas readings by sticking a really long pole into the the ground where the big underground tanks are located. You can find these poles somewhere around the outside of the building or by the dumpster and there's usually several of them. Take them all and the station won't be able to take the daily readings anymore.
37.Get in your car and drive a few blocks from the store. Floor it towards the store and try to get up to 90 M.P.H. by the time you hit the parking lot. Smash directly into a gas pump, blowing up the pump, the car and killing yourself. Try to enter the parking lot at the right angle so after you smash through the pump you'll crash through the store's front window and into the cashier, killing him too.
38.Pick up the gas pump nozzle, squeeze it and hold a match in front of it to create a flame thrower. Burn all of the nearby customers to a crisp and try to set the store on fire before the cashier hits the Emergency ShutOff switch.
This section is for the 7-Eleven employees. As anyone who's worked it knows, graveyards are the most boring eight hours of your day. At about a customer an hour, there's not a whole hell of a lot to do. Your manager has probably provided you with a checklist of work to do but it's usually not very much fun to do work.
39.First order of business. Try to think of the most creative way to destroy your manager's checklist. Make it a point not to do ANYthing on the list. If you do, you'll get no praise for it. If you don't, you'll be doing just exactly what's expected of you. Nothing. If you lose your job, oh well. There's a million other 7-Elevens out there looking for a slave.
40.Bring a radio, even if they're not permitted. No human being should be expected to sit in total silence for eight hours. Sure, that's what your checklist is for but remember, you destroyed that. I'm sure your manager will understand.
41.Open the Clearly Canadian bottles and drop Alka Seltzers into them. If you drop enough in you can make a pretty good mess. If you're worried about the mess, do it outside.
42.Sit on a gas pump and light fireworks, occasionally dropping one on the ground by the pump, making everyone nearby nervous and jumpy.
43.Be extremely rude to everyone that comes in to shop, especially the cops who come in to buy the entire stock of Hostess donuts and think that just because they're cops, they get free coffee. If you really hate doing any work at all, this will help. When you're rude people go out of their way to keep from shopping at your store.
44.Make prank phone calls to the other store across the street.
45.Sweep the parking lot. Do a real good job and when you get to the edge of the parking lot, keep going and going until you've swept the entire block. Then sweep the streets in the area and the parking lot across the street.
46.Take all the breakfast and snack food from the shelves and hide them in the back room. The cops will cry when there's no more Hostess donuts.
47.Go over to the store across the street and start cleaning up just to see the other guy's reaction.
Proven Ways To Get Yourself Shot
48. When being robbed at gunpoint, be a real sarcastic smartass to the guy holding a gun in your face. Make fun of obvious things such as his weight, facial scars, etc.
49. If that doesn't work, whip out a pen and start taking notes. When the robber asks you what in the hell you're doing, say, "I'm writing down your description for the police. I have a short memory, okay?"
50. If that doesn't work, pick up the phone and dial 911. Tell the police what's happening as you take your time putting the robber's money into a paper bag. If he gets mad, tell him, "Shhhhhhh! I'm on the phone!"
51. If a black guy comes up to the counter to pay for his 12 pack of beer, look him in the eye and say, "This establishment don't serve no colored folks."
52. When the pimps that always hang out in front come in to buy alcohol, card them. Insist that the picture on the I.D. isn't them and refuse the sale, smiling the whole time.
53. Be really rude to the gang members. Wear the opposite colors that they do and tell them you're Homey G Roy and they're going down!
54. If O.J. Simpson comes in to buy a pair of gloves, start cracking a bunch of bad O.J. jokes.
Screwing Your Store Out Of Millions Of Dollars
A friend of mine is getting a job at a Hit 'N Run store and wants me to write him out a list of different ways to screw the store out of money for himself so I'm just going to add the list onto the end of this file. I'm sure that he's not really considering doing any of these horrible things and just wants to know so he can watch the other employees to make sure they're not stealing. Yeah, that's it...
Most of these are obvious but maybe there'll be a few ideas that you never thought of. Most stores have a camera pointing at the cash register from several different directions and the more modern stores have the registers linked to the cameras so that whatever you type into the register it appears on the security tape. (Pretty sneaky) This prevents you from charging your friends' 50 cents for a case of beer. 55.First of all, all your groceries are going to be free now. This itself can be a real penny saver. Bring a back pack or something similar to work every day and load it up with your favorite foods and candy. If you have a car, load up the trunk. Keep in mind, it's very common for a manager or a district manager to sit across the street in their car for hours and watch you so make sure they're not there. In one case, the district manager actually rented out the building across the street so he could sit in there and watch the employees with his binoculars. (He caught this one guy loading up about ten bags of food into his car.)
56.Your manager probably didn't mention this, but all of your friends' get special discounts! Twelve packs of beer are seventy five cents, fountain drinks and Slurpees are only ten cents, candy bars are five cents, packs of cigarettes are half price, etc.
57.The most common form of employee theft is collecting the money for something, not ringing it up and putting the money in your pocket. Once you've worked there for awhile you pretty much know all the prices without ringing any of them up. The trick is to make it look like you've rang it up because customers will notice that you don't and inform the manager. (Believe me, they really will do this.) Let's say a customer buys a pack of cigarettes. They're $2.19 ($2.36 with tax). Hit CLEAR 219 CLEAR 236, collect they're money and hit CLEAR NOSALE. That's a pretty good simulation of ringing up something for real. The customer will see the price on the register and assume everything's normal. Instead of pocketing the money all at once, keep a little tally sheet next to your register and write down the amount of each sale that you haven't rang up. When you're done doing this, add the numbers all up and collect the full amount. This lessens the chances of someone seeing you pocketing the money.
58.What if you've got about fifty dollars in merchandise that you haven't rang up but there's three cameras watching you and there's no way that you could possibly take the cash without the cameras seeing you? Well, call a friend and tell them to come over. The friend will buy something in the store and you ring up the friend for his purchase and then give him his "change" which will include the fifty bucks that you've stolen. The only bad part is that now you're expected to share your cut with the friend.
59.Be careful when selling your underaged friends alcohol. Make sure to card them, look at the I.D. very closely (make it look real) and then ring up their beer. (Which is 75 cents, remember?) And hopefully your friend doesn't look like he's ten years old. Put the beer in a (hopefully paper) bag so a cop doesn't stop him walking out of the store with the alcohol. Make sure you tell your friend that if he's caught drinking this beer and the police asks where he got it, he doesn't tell them where he got it. Tell him to name another store nearby so you won't get into any trouble. (Besides, they'll have proof on the security tapes.)
60.Most stores have some way of keeping inventory on the cigarettes so the employees aren't stealing them all. If you have to count each individual pack of cigarettes at the beginning and end of your shift, things are gonna be hard on you. For one, you'll have to ring up every pack of cigarettes that you sell. If there's something else in the store that costs the same as a pack of cigs, you can ring this item up under the cigarette key. Lets say that a customer buys a gallon of milk which is $2.36, the same as cigarettes. Instead of ringing up $2.36 on the grocery key, ring it up on the cigarette key. There, now you've got one pack of cigarettes!
61.Usually the stores will only keep a tight inventory on the cartons of cigarettes and not the individual packs. In fact, I've never seen a store that doesn't keep tight inventory on the cartons. So don't steal the cartons but load up on the packs. Remember that when your friends come in they get that special deal, five packs of cigs for the price of one! And since they're a friend, it only costs about $1.50!
62.Credit Card Machines (masturbating...) There's a button on the credit card machine called REPRINT. Every time a customer uses a Mastercard or Visa, press this button after they leave. This will give you a reprint of their receipt and their credit card number will be on this. A customer comes in and buys some gas and fifty dollars worth of condoms and a Hustler magazine totaling $65 and pays cash. Ring this up on the register. After they leave, hit the MANUAL ENTRY button on the credit card machine and it'll ask you for your card number. Whip out your list of card numbers and punch one in. Then the expiration date. Then the amount of the sale which is $65. A receipt will come out and you can scribble a "signature" on it and put it in with your other receipts. Now that the purchase has been paid for with a credit card, you're free to take the $65 in cash home with you. Just make sure you're not still working there next month when the owner of the card you used gets his bill.
63.Arrange for some friends to come in and do a "beer run." Have them steal a good amount of twelve packs and run out the door with them. Make sure that there's no "good samaritan" customers out in the lot who will catch your friends and drag them back in the store. Pretend to be surprised, maybe run after them for a second. Then go to the phone and call the police's non- emergency number and explain what happened. Give them incorrect information like they're on foot (if they're in a car) or they're headed down a certain street when they're really going the other way. The police will show up and you'll have to fill out a report and that's the end. After your shift is over, go to your friends' house and get drunk.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 07:48 PM
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your roommate is disgusting and show them.
Smile. All the time
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Dress in drag.
When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls
Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle. Every time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty one. Do so until you have thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that generic soda tastes awful.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shave off one of your roommate's eyebrows. Comment repeatedly on how it makes him/her look younger.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building.
Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass" sign.
Borrow a different friends bike every night. Bring it into your room and act paranoid. First thing in the morning return the bike then come back and show your roommate fifty dollars. Never say anything about it
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster.
Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Ask a friend for some large pictures of themself along with some mementos. Cherish these items and explain that these objects are from a deceased friend. Pay careful attention to them daily and often remark about how wonderful your friend was and how much you miss them. Have your friend show up one day when you are not there.
Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how long it takes your roommate to notice
Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere."
Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout, "Animal killer!"
Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone
Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is being prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a bigot.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that s/he do the same.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He/She just didn't belong."
Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
Talk while pretending to be asleep.
Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up
Buy Lay's potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him, "No one can eat just one."
Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your roommate. Become a born-again Christian and dreadfully regret your actions. Explain to your roommate the situation, how sorry you are, and that there is nothing you can do to prevent the hit. Try to convert your roommate before s/he dies.
Don't ever flush.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
Listen to the Beatles "Helter Skelter" every day for exactly 11 minutes at 11:00 PM. On the eleventh day draw a swastika on your forehead. Act surprised if your roommates comments.
Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return
Cry a lot.
Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
Build an ant farm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 08:00 PM
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 08:05 PM
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once.
Use your MasterCard to pay off your Visa and vice-versa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says,"Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets. (my personal favorite).
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.
Tape pictures fo your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinky with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 08:06 PM
Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman-- with the meanest dog in town.
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
The blues are not about limitless choice.
Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
The following colors do not belong in the blues:
You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
Good places for the Blues:
weekend in the Hamptons
No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
Do you have the right to sing the blues?
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.
Some Blues names for Women
Some Blues Names for Men
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Mix and Match
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 08:07 PM
1. There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger".
2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
3. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
4. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
5. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball playoffs.
6. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
7. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
8. People who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
9. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
10. There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
11. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at halftime or between innings.
12. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would belong.
13. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.
14. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
15. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
16. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel,and be form-fitted to her butt..
17. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
18. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
19. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral.
20. Invitations would read as follow... Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain ... He's getting married. He either:
A) couldn't get a different roommate, or
caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line. At Halftime during Sunday's Game.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 08:08 PM
1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
to "I love you."
3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
6. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
7. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
8. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
9. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Garbage would take itself out.
12. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
13. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
14. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking. Mother's Day, too.
15. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would
be celebrated every month.
16. Two words: Ally McNaked.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
18. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
19. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
20. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
21. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 08:09 PM
1. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
2. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
3. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
4. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did I do that?"
10. Some folks have it, some don't.
11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
12. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
13. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 08:10 PM
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Posted Tue Feb 27, 2007 08:12 PM
I'll get a world record for this.
Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!
Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
Here's my Kent State student ID.
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
Can we get a vision plan?
So, you're a cannibal.
It's probably just a rash.
Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
No, my shoes aren't untied.
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
What do you mean, "I'll be back"?
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
What's that priest doing here?
You look just like Charles Manson.
Let it down slowly.
Rat poison only kills rats.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
I'll get your toast out.
Give me liberty or give me death.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well we've made it this far.
Hey that's not a violin.
I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
OK this is the last time.
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
That birthmark on your head looks like 999.